Captain Cadaver's Happy Horror Blog

First Annual Cadaver Awards Nominations!

2012-02-20T20:32:00.000-08:00

Everyone check it out and cast your votes! It was a great year for horror as you can see. Winners will be announced this coming Saturday, February 26th. Hopefully everyone who's enjoyed what the year has had to offer can chime in on this.

Best Picture:

Attack the Block

The Bleeding House

Fright Night

A Horrible Way To Die

Red State

Scream 4

Stake Land

Tucker and Dale vs Evil

Wake Wood

The Woman

Best Screenplay:

The Bleeding House--Philip Gelatt

Fright Night--Marti Noxon

Scream 4--Kevin Williamson

Stake Land--Nick Damici and Jim Mickie

The Woman--Jack Ketchum and Lucky McKee

Best Actor:

Colin Farrell--Fright Night

Patrick Breen--The Bleeding House

Michael Parks--Red State

Tyler Labine--Tucker and Dale vs Evil

Sean Bridges--The Woman

Best Actress:

Emma Roberts--Scream 4

Danielle Harris--Stake Land

Alexandra Chando--The Bleeding House

Pollyana McIntosh--The Woman

Karoline Herfurth--We Are the Night

Best Supporting Actor:

Alan Tudyk--Tucker and Dale vs Evil

Richard Riehle--Chillerama

John Goodman--Red State

David Tennant--Fright Night

Timothy Spall--Wake Wood

Best Supporting Actress:

Lin Shaye--Insidious

Angela Bettis--The Woman

Kelly McGillis--Stake Land

Jennifer Ulrich--We Are the Night

Mamie Gummer--The Ward

Best Visual Effects:

The Thing

Fright Night

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark

Final Destination 5

Best Make-Up:

The Ward

Stake Land

I Spit on Your Grave

Hatchet 2

The Woman

Best Score:

Fright Night

Stake Land

We Are the Night

Dream Home

Attack the Block

Best Foreign Language Film:

I Saw the Devil

Troll Hunter

We Are the Night

Dream Home

Best Cinematography:

The Ward

I Spit on Your Grave

Dream Home

The Woman

Stake Land

Best Sound Editing:

Insidious

Red State

Attack the Block

The Woman

Stake Land

Best Editing:

The Bleeding House

The Woman

Red State

Tucker and Dale vs Evil

The Ward

Best Director:

Joe Cornish--Attack the Block

Wes Craven--Scream 4

Philip Gelatt--The Bleeding House

John Carpenter--The Ward

Lucky McKee--The Woman

Best Death:

Death Fuck--Hatchet 2

Sperm vs. Dog--Chillerama

Woody the Chipper--Tucker and Dale vs Evil

Headshot in Church--Red State

Got Your Nose--Attack the Block

Biggest WTF Moment:

Opening Scene--Scream 4

Feeding Teacher to the Dogs--The Woman

The Bee Chase--Tucker and Dale vs Evil

Giant Sperm Screws the Statue of Liberty--Chillerama

Receiving New Orders--Red State

Best Quote:

"Oh, hidey-ho, officer. We have had a doosy of a day..."-Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

"Take the children outside, please. It's about to get grown up in here."-Red State

"You forgot the first rule of remakes. Don't fuck with the original."-Scream 4

"Here. Write depressing stuff in this as if the little girl wrote it. We'll sell it after the war and make millions!"-Chillerama

"Welcome to Fright Night. For real."-Fright Night

Best Worst Movie:

Hellraiser: Revelations

Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver

Children of the Corn: Genesis

Blubberella

Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt

Best TV Series:

True Blood

American Horror Story

The Walking Dead

Dexter

Being Human

Lifetime Achievement Award:

John Carpenter

Wes Craven

Jack Ketchum

Lucky McKee

Robert Englund

"You Can't Tame What's Meant to be Wild:" Top Ten Werewolf Movies

2011-10-10T12:42:00.000-07:00

Werewolves are a subgenre of horror more known for hits and misses than vampires or zombies. There are classics, to be sure, but the two aforementioned genres seem to have more of them. It seems there's just something about these toothy, hairy bastards that's hard to get right. So with that said, let's look at some movies that did get it right, and did it really, really well.

10. Silver Bullet (1985)- This movie, starring Corey Haim and Gary Busey, remains one of the most under-appreciated Stephen King adaptions to date. King penned the script himself, based on his short novel "Cycle of the Werewolf." The story follows the murders plaguing the peaceful town of Tarker's Mills through the eyes of young, handicapped Marty Coslaw... who eventually realizes the killings are the work of a werewolf, and must convince his sister and uncle (Busey in one of his best roles) in time to stop it.

09. Werewolf of London (1935)- Just a few short years before they struck big with "The Wolf Man" Universal made this little sleeper hit. While lighter on story, it oozes with atmosphere and the effects even outdo The Wolf Man, though this is the only place in which it is almost a superior film.

08. Trick 'R Treat (2009)- While werewolves aren't the only creatures stalking this film, that's part of the charm. This Halloween anthology brought back the sense of fun and mystery that make both Halloween and anthology movies in general so much fun. The werewolves aren't on screen very long, but they're well-worth waiting for and offer an inventive twist on the lycanthropes.

07. The Company of Wolves (1984)- This werewolf film from director Neil Jordan precedes his "Interview with the Vampire" by almost ten years, and while it is a much less well-known film and has a far smaller budget, it is just as atmospheric and portrays its monsters just as alluring and scarily sympathetic as he would go on to do in Interview. The story is also an inventive and unique take on the ageless Red Riding Hood tale.

06. Dog Soldiers (2002)- I've talked about this film before, but it's always worth mentioning. It's a terrific horror film from Scottish director Neill Marshall, surpassed only by The Descent (2006). The story follows a group of soldiers on a routine training exercise, who find themselves plagued by the werewolves roaming the countryside. It's almost like a lycanthropic version of "Predator" only with a better story, scarier monsters, and deeper, more rounded characters. If you haven't seen the film yet, do so now, as a sequel and web series are finally on the way.

05. The Curse of the Werewolf (1961)- Hammer Studios came close to topping the Universal originals in their heyday, with movies like The Curse of Frankenstein (1957), Horror of Dracula (1958), and this. This film stars Oliver Reed as a tragic man who has been doomed since birth to someday become a werewolf. It takes a while to build to the appearance of the beast, but when it happens it is well worth waiting for.

04. Ginger Snaps (2000). They don't call it the curse for nothing. There may never have been a more appropriate title for a horror movie before this. Ginger Snaps takes a unique (and smart) approach to the genre by exploring the werewolf as a metaphor for female adolescence. It seems off-balanced at first (before this, the werewolf had almost always been metaphor for man's testosterone and impulses, his hidden rage and "inner beast") but right from the get-go, this film works. It beautifully and frighteningly shows the transformation a young woman will go through, how scary that transformation can get. Especially when she's eating people.

03. The Wolf Man (1941). There really is no werewolf film more classic than this, and for admittedly good reason. This is one of the absolute best of the Universal classics. Lon Chaney, Jr. does a fantastic job portraying Larry Talbot, who is cursed to become a werewolf after being bitten by one in a gypsy camp. It's a very atmospheric, soft-spoken horror movie, and while the dual-performance of Larry and the Wolf Man is terrific and scary, most of the horror comes from how believably frightened Talbot is of his own condition. Chaney, Jr. reprised his role no less than three times, and no matter how silly the movies got, he always brought depth and integrity to the character.

02. The Howling (1981). It's a very ironic and interesting thing that the two best werwolf movies ever made came out in the same year. Before these two, the werewolf had always been a man with a lot of hair and fangs when portrayed on film. Both this film and the next on the list did everything they could to change that. The Howling is responsible for the monstrous, bipedal werewolf that has become the cinema staple ever since. On top of that, it is a very powerful mystery of a story with great performances all around that is, at its core, about the nature of repression.

01. An American Werewolf in London (1981). With that said, let's move onto the movie (which debuted two months before Howling) that edged it out of the top spot. Even more so than The Howling, this film was about bringing the notion of the werewolf into cynical, modern times. There are many references to the classics, it feels at first like it opens in an old horror film, and gets more and more modern as it goes along. That's the beautiful thing about this movie. Like it's cursed main character, it transforms gradually as the film goes on. It starts out almost as a comedy (it is after all from John Landis, director of The Blues Brothers and National Lampoon's Animal House) but as the werewolf threat becomes more real (and his best friend becomes more decomposed) it moves into new territory that is both scary and, in the end, very tragic.

Snubbed: The Top Ten Oscar-Worthy Horror Performances

2011-09-26T10:09:00.000-07:00

Fall has arrived and that means we're headed for Oscar season as Winter sets upon us. With that in mind, let's take a look at some of the best horror performances over the years that should have been nominated for Academy Awards... and weren't. The rule here is that they must not have even been nominated, let alone won. So Sissy Spacek in Carrie, Linda Blair in The Exorcist, none of them count.

So, with that in mind... let's count 'em down.

10. Elsa Lanchaster in The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

She's only on screen for a few moments, but in those moments, Elsa Lanchaster steals the show as the title character. Her movement is based on animals, the only thing close to dialogue is a cat-like hiss and yet we sympathize with her completely. More than any character that had appeared in the movie before that climactic scene.

9. Nathan Baesel in Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)

It takes talent to play a truly creepy movie villain. It takes even more talent to play a movie villain who makes no apologies for who and what he is, and yet make him completely likable. Leslie Vernon (or Mancuso, as the case may be) has agreed to let a documentary crew film the moment he has been waiting for his entire life, his rise to fame as a newborn slasher star. He guides them step-by-step on who he is going to kill and how he is going to do it... but Baesel so convincingly shows how dedicated Leslie is to this and what it means to him that we actually want him to see it through. We're on his side when we (and the documentary crew) know we shouldn't be, and that is brilliance on the actor's part.

8. Robert Englund in The Phantom of the Opera (1989)

Robert Englund will never win an Oscar for Freddy Krueger and he never asked for one. That's pretty far from the point of that character. But in this lesser-known adaptation, he played another famous boogeyman and he did a superb job. In this supernatural retelling, Erik is the victim of a Faustian pact and we can't help but feel for him. He is disfigured, mad, and terribly in love. Englund tapped into the tragedy of the character as a quieter, softer maniac than the one he's most well-known for. But certain scenes (such as buying a prostitute and telling her that her name is Christine for the night) work because of the talent of a prolific character actor who brings a sense of class to even the weirdest role.

7. Angela Bettis in May (2002).

Here's another pick from the previous decade with terrific genre star Angela Bettis as one of the few female boogeymen. May is a very sad, lonely, strange girl and is such an offbeat character in such an offbeat movie that she had to be played perfectly to be remotely convincing. Bettis pulled it off fantastically. May goes from a quiet veterinarian's assistant to a psycho killing people to steal their body parts in order to make a perfect, human doll. A friend who will never abandon her. And she makes the transition feel completely natural.

6. Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby (1969).

This one should seem obvious, but it really deserves a place on the list because, while she won some awards, she was snubbed at the Oscars and her performance in this film really deserves more credit than that. The entire film and the nature of the Satanic Cult would not have worked remotely as well if Farrow was just not as completely, hopelessly scared as she is in the film. Very few lead actresses in a horror movie have elicited more empathy than this.

5. John Amplas in Martin (1977).

George Romero considers this his best film, and one can see why. While he's best known for zombies, Martin is Romero's vampire film... sort of. You can get more info on the plot and nature of the film in my review, but just know that the whole idea of the movie hinges on how convincingly Amplas plays the title character. Martin may or may not be a vampire, all we know is that he thinks he's a vampire, and the movie almost feels like a documentary due to its low budget grittiness. It looks and feels more real than any vampire film before and possibly since. It seems that, in the end, Martin does not turn out to be what he claims to be, or what his demented Uncle claims he is, but one thing is for certain. We believe that he believes.

4. Tony Todd in Candyman (1992).

Here's another great horror actor who's been making his rounds in the genre ever since this film. Yes, Candyman is known now as another killer amongst the horror pantheon. Right up there with Freddy and Jason, only with less sequels. But if you look at the original and Todd's fantastic job as a tortured, mythic soul, you'll see why he's deserving of a place on this list. Candyman is an artistic, fantastic movie. Tony Todd makes an incredibly sympathetic monster, and also he did the climax of the movie with bees in his mouth... an extra step that most actors would not be willing to take. He stayed at the top of his game for the also-great sequel, and even in the lesser-quality Candyman 3, he was a professional who brought everything he could to the role.

3. Colin Clive in Frankenstein (1931).

Boris Karloff did an excellent job too, but his animalistic performance was still upstaged by Clive as the poor doctor, so driven by obsession that he risks his life, his family, and his mind in order to accomplish his dream. He was also fantastic in the sequel, but it's the original, in which we follow the Doctor down his descent, that remains wholly captivating. While other actors (Peter Cushing in particular) have done great things with the part, Clive's Frankenstein has never been topped.

2. Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992).

Similarly, we have Gary Oldman in a much more recent take on one of the classic roles. So many actors have played the role of Count Dracula and while Christopher Lee remains my personal favorite, none have ever given a more tragic, romantic (and yet scary) portrayal of the character. Oldman plays the Count as a sort of fallen angel and for Coppola's artistic, bloody romance, it really works. This is also one of the few portrayals of the Count in which you really feel and believe the character's age.

1. Anthony Perkins in Psycho (1960).

Really, there could be no other number one pick than this. Arguably, this is the greatest performance in any horror movie ever made. For me, it tops even Anthony Hopkins in Silence of the Lambs and Linda Blair in The Exorcist. Perkins is so quiet, empathetic and likable as one of the first modern horror monsters. Even though he was obviously unbalanced, I can't imagine the shock audiences felt when the big reveal came at the end of the movie. For this movie, Perkins remains one of my favorite actors to this day, making the blasphemy that was Psycho (1998) that much more unfortunate.

Today's Epic B-Movie Scene: Dead Alive

2011-08-25T16:01:00.000-07:00

And here she is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfkHkdu5IEI

13 More of the Best Horror Movies of 2000-2009

2011-08-25T05:41:00.000-07:00

Back in January I wrote a piece on the 25 best horror movies of 2000-2009, to show that despite the howlings of the internet, this was an incredible decade for horror movies. Well, now I've gone and picked 13 movies to further prove my point.

13. House of 1,000 Corpses (2003). Technically, the film was shot starting in 1999, but it stretched into the 2000's and the release was held off until 2003 because Universal was appalled by everything Rob Zombie shot. And when I first saw this movie, I had no idea what I was looking at. Now, however, that's one of my favorite things about it. This is a manic, in-your-face and repeatedly startling movie that keeps you on the edge of your seat. It truly kicked off the decade for genre film making and influenced many (or most) of the independent horror that came after it.

12. 30 Days of Night (2007). This film, based on a graphic novel by Steve Niles and Ben Templesmith, should get credit for the brilliance of the concept alone. In Barrow, Alaska, where the sun disappears for 30 days, vampires have declared a new feeding ground. A small group of survivors band together, their only hope to last through the month alive. It's a tense film, and the vampires are savage and scary. They're not romantic, they're sharks. These monsters are so separated from humanity that they don't even speak our language, they made their own. It is, then, completely baffling that director David Slade went on to help The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

11. Diary of the Dead (2008). This is going to be the most controversial pick, and I'm not even sure why. Yes, I preferred this small indie to Romero's hugely anticipated return to zombies, Land of the Dead. This movie had a much smaller budget than Land, and I actually found that a good thing. It went back to what made Night of the Living Dead so good and it gave the concept a proper modern update. The first-person style has become its own genre, and of that genre, Diary of the Dead is one of the best. It's a harsh study of how detached someone can become from a worldwide crisis when all they do is record it.

10. Drag Me to Hell (2009). And here we have another and much more widely loved return of one of the masters, in this case Sam Raimi. After the now-classic Evil Dead trilogy, Raimi sort of disappeared from horror, going on to direct For Love of the Game and The Quick and the Dead, and then struck box-office gold with the Spider-Man trilogy. And then in 2009 he returned to horror with this flick that shows he can still capture the manic off-balance of horror and comedy of Evil Dead II and bring in his developed sense of character. And it also proved that PG-13 horror doesn't have to suck.

09. Zombieland (2009). What at first glance appeared to be America's answer to Shaun of the Dead, is a very character driven piece about found family that only happens to be about zombies and only happens to be hilarious. The entire cast owns this film, but of course Woody Harrelson's Tallahassee stands out (in Zombieland, your name only appears to be where you're going) and on top of all that, this film features one of the best cameos of all time in the form of Bill Murray.

08. The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005). Here is another film, more than any other on the list, that relies on character more than scares. It is part supernatural exorcism tale and part courtroom drama and it leaves much to the audience to decide for themselves, including whether or not Emily is actually possessed. Tom Wilkinson and Laura Linney are excellent as always, but Jennifer Carpenter steals the show as the title character. Another fun fact, when she's (possibly) possessed, there's no makeup. That's all the actress, and scenes like that alone make it worth a look.

07. 28 Weeks Later (2007). Following up the best horror movie of the decade in the same decade is not an easy task. But this sequel does the smart thing by putting enough distance between it and its predecessor that it can move the story into fresh territory. There's a new group of survivors, and the film itself is all about rebuilding. Both rebuilding a family and rebuilding London as a whole. It's about putting rules back in place and trying to regain control and what to do when that all falls apart. There are incredibly tense moments, especially for Jeremy Renner's sniper, and it's no wonder he's gone on to become as big as he has. Also, the opening scene is the best opening scene of any movie in any genre this decade.

06. Bubba Ho-Tep (2004). What can I even say? This movie is already a goddamn cult-classic, thanks in no small part to star Bruce Campbell and director Don Coscarelli, who both know a thing or two about cult classics. Anyway, the plot. Elvis Presley (Bruce Campbell under a significant amount of old age makeup) faked his death and became an Elvis impersonator and is now in a retirement home debating whether or not he has cancer on his penis and trying to convince the nurses that he's actually Elvis. His only friend is an old black man who claims to be John F. Kennedy. After many unexpected deaths at the retirement home (exactly) they realize a cowboy-mummy is responsible, that it has been sucking souls right out of the asses of the elderly and there is nothing you can say to that plot. Yet somehow, at times the film can be downright emotional. How are you not watching this yet?

05. Shaun of the Dead (2004). But even topping that, we land at the horror-comedy of the decade. Who hasn't seen this film by now, seriously? And if you have, you know exactly why it works. This is a romantic comedy with zombies. It stands out for its genuine, sincere heart even though dead people are eating the living people. Simon Pegg was boosted to stardom after this and hopefully Nick Frost is on his way there too.

04. Grace (2009). Grace is about a woman who, after her baby dies while in the womb, refuses to believe it is gone and decides to carry the corpse to term. What surprises everyone but her is that the the dead baby is alive when it is delivered. And the more blood she feeds to it, the more alive and happy the infant seems to be. Grace is a damned chilling tale of the bond between mother and child.

03. Grindhouse (2007). Technically, this is two movies, and if you go buy or rent them now, you will see them as Planet Terror and Death Proof, which they are. But damn it, that's the point. And not the point at the same time. These films, directed by Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino respectively, were released in theaters as Grindhouse, promising a return to 70's exploitation cinema because that's all either of them directs anyway. But it was also a return to double-features, and while one of the best cinema-going experiences you could ever have, it only proved through its box-office that modern audiences just don't have the attention span to sit through two fantastic movies and doubly fantastic fake trailers. Even though one of those fake trailers did become a movie.

02. The Strangers (2008). Yeah, this is pretty much the scariest home invasion movie ever made. There's almost no blood and just about nobody dies and the film is still terrifying. In a very un-cliche turn, things are very tense between the two leads before anything scary starts to happen. And when the scary comes, it comes. The Strangers themselves are unrelenting in their torment and deliver the scariest, simplest motivation a movie maniac could ever have. When they are confronted as to why they are making this attack, one of the strangers answers simply, "because you were home."

01. Session 9 (2001). One of the most haunting and fantastic psychological thrillers of all time. An asbestos crew is brought in to clear out an abandoned mental hospital and make the ridiculous suggestion that they can do it in one week, so now they have to bust their asses. They all seem like friends, but as they succumb to the haunting place, it's clear that each of them has their personal demons. Meanwhile, one of the crew has stumbled onto some old recordings of a female patient from decades ago, her multiple personalities and what exactly she did to get here. And who exactly is Simon? While the group breaks apart, he goes through the sessions day-by-day until he reaches session 9. The film takes the cake because it's haunting, it's terrifying, it can be disturbing, but overall, it's completely brilliant.

Review: Fright Night (1985)

2011-08-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

9/10

Starring: William Ragsdale, Amanda Bearse, Stephen Geoffreys, Chris Sarandon and Roddy McDowell.

It's long overdue, especially with my not-so-softspoken love of this movie. So with the remake having just hit theaters, here's my review of the original Fright Night. This 1985 vampire-next-door tale was directed by Tom Holland, who had previously written Psycho II and would go on to direct Child's Play in 1988 (again with Chris Sarandon).

The story follows Charley Brewster, an honest and refreshing depiction of a geek in the 1980's. He loves horror movies, yes, but not as much as his best friend, Evil Ed (played perfectly over-the-top by Stephen Geoffreys). Charley also has a girlfriend, Amy, with whom he's been desperately trying to find "the right moment." Charley is also obsessed with the TV horror-host show "Fright Night" and its star, Peter Vincent. And Charley thinks he may have found that right moment with Amy... until he looks out the window and sees two men carrying a coffin into the house next door.

Thus begins a series of events leading to Charley's discovery that the man who has just moved in next door to him, Jerry Dandridge, is a vampire. And when his mom, his girlfriend, and his best friend don't believe him, Charley's last-ditch effort is to turn to help with Fright Night's host, Peter Vincent himself.

Now, at this point in the 80's the vampire genre was dead. The Lost Boys and Near Dark, the decade's other two big hits, would follow two years later. Fright Night was the first movie to usher vampires into the modern age. Using Peter Vincent to bring an element of old school (in particular, the Hammer era of the '50's and '60's) charm, the film both satirized and paid respect to the classics of yesteryear in a way that would not be so perfectly done again until 1996's Scream. The characterization in this film is top-notch and not one character is left one-dimensional or without something to do. Charley and Peter in particular stand out as two very well-rounded heroic leads. One being a seventeen year-old forced to do the right thing when no one else will, the other so perfectly characterized because he is not a hero, he just plays one in the movies. Charley's heroic journey and Peter's battle of faith and courage alone make this stand out amongst other horror comedies of the era.

The thing to carry this home, acting wise, has to be the vampires, though. Chris Sarandon is perfectly charming and monstrous as next-door-neighbor Jerry. So charming that no one in their right mind would believe he was a vampire, unless they had seen the things Charley had seen. Still, Jerry is far from a two-dimensional monster. He claims to Charley that he does not want to kill, he simply has no choice. And his pursuit of Amy seems to be some hopeful search to reclaim something of a long-lost sense of love, and less to get back at Charley, until the last act or so.

The technical aspects of the film also stand out. The make-up effects are astounding and really create a whole new idea of how terrifying the vampire can be. These are not counts with slightly-overgrown canines, but creatures that can look as monstrous as they choose. They do all the classics, mist, wolves, bats... but in a very modern (for 1985, at least) way. And that's perfect, because that's what the film is about at the core, it's a horror with comedy elements about modernizing classic themes. The score, too, really provides both a haunting and sensual atmosphere. Combined with everything above, the film is a solid 9/10, a masterpiece of vampire cinema, and the first of Captain Cadaver's Essentials. If you haven't seen it, or have seen the remake, or plan to see the remake, or just want to see a good vampire film or coming-of-age story in general, do yourself a favor and check this one out. Because, remember, if you love being scared, it'll be the night of your life.

Review: Stake Land

2011-08-22T11:28:00.000-07:00

8/10

Starring: Connor Paolo, Nick Damici, Kelly McGillis and Danielle Harris.

The vampire genre is all over the place in terms of quality and very in-your-face these days, but one movie like this almost makes all of the Twilight nonsense worth it. Well, not really. But this film, just having hit DVD a few weeks back after a festival run in 2010, is spectacular.

Stake Land is set in a post-apocalyptic America overrun by vampires. It's a quiet, somber tale about people trying to get by, Hell, just trying to find a reason to want to. Despite the title and premise, while the film does kick ass, it is a very human, very emotional piece. The film follows a young man named Martin (possible reference to George Romero's incredible vampire tale) who is traveling north with a vampire-hunter known only as Mister. They're headed for New Eden, supposedly vampire free, which may or may not even exist.

As they move on their journey, they come across a nun being attacked by what seem to be two inbred hicks, but are in actuality two members of a crazed religious group called The Brotherhood. They don't kill vampires, they worship them, but they have little problem with killing people. As the film goes on, they also pick up a pregnant girl (instantly recognizable to horror fans as Danielle Harris) and a former soldier and integrate them into this found family. The family aspect too is a very powerful dynamic of the film. Mister is a father figure to Martin, but almost seems to neglect the role until dire situations in which he absolutely has to. Harris's character and Martin also have a strong, almost brother/sister bond.

The film plays a little like The Road meets I am Legend (the book) with just a taste of Zombieland. It is a far more serious, poignant film and the chosen style, especially with the western setting, certainly works. There also seems to be a coming-of-age story here. Martin is forced to become a man quicker than a boy his age usually would, because the world has gone by, and everyone needs to be capable of taking care of each other. Mister is, at his core, a compassionate mentor, though to keep the boy alive, he rarely shows it. He himself seems to be battling with what exactly his role is supposed to be.

While there's plenty of antagonists lurking the night in this flick, there's one core beast in the leader of The Brotherhood, who seeks vengeance on Mister for killing his son (one of the men trying to rape the nun when they found her). Like the best post-apocalyptic horror, this is a study of both how kindhearted and how horrifying people can become when the world goes to Hell.

All in all, this is an incredibly worthy addition to the vampire genre. Along with Let Me In, it is the best American vampire film in many years. Don't let the monster's over-saturation fool you, this is a very innovative, compelling take on the genre and a film that absolutely begs to be checked out.

Review: John Carpenter's The Ward

2011-08-21T18:04:00.000-07:00

7/10

Starring: Amber Heard, Jared Harris, Lyndsey Fonseca, Danielle Panabaker and Mamie Gummer

As every horror fan knows, this film marks the directorial return of Carpenter after a ten year hiatus following 2001's less-than-spectacular Ghosts of Mars. In that time he did a couple episodes of Showtime's Masters of Horror that helped to get old Beer 'n Cigs back in a directing mood.

The film follows a young woman named Kristen (Amber Heard) who is committed to an institution after burning down a house. The trouble is, she can't remember anything before that. We are then introduced to the other girls of the ward. Emily (Mamie Gummer) is one of the most evidently troubled, next to Zoey (Laura-Leigh) who always carries a stuffed rabbit and is trapped in a child-like state. Iris (Lyndsy Fonseca) is the most immediately warm and welcoming to Kristen, and Sarah (Danielle Panabaker) is your stereotypical coldhearted bitch who sees herself as above the other girls, in particular the newcomer. An interesting role for Panabaker, as it's the polar opposite of her character in the Friday the 13th reboot. Each girl is, in their own way, a playoff of a stereotype, but in a way that is revealed to be fairly clever.

When we meet Dr. Stringer (Jared Harris) the film kicks into high gear. Kristen sees brief glimpses of a monstrous looking girl, some of the girls begin disappearing while the staff refuses to say where they've gone, and Kristen keeps hearing the name "Alice Hudson" tossed around, but no one will tell her who the girl is. Or was.

I won't give away any plot details, but the film is a well-paced ghost story with characters that are certainly strong enough to carry it, and results in one of the few twists of recent years that actually makes sense. As for the direction, Carpenter is a master behind the camera and his presence is clearly felt. This IS John Carpenter's The Ward. There are long, wide, brooding shots that just ooze with his trademark style.

If there's anything that could throw this movie off, it's definitely the score, which was lacking. Carpenter has scored nearly all of his movies, though some of his best, like The Thing, had scores by others. He used to be very particular with music, but with The Ward it seemed he settled for a generic, modern horror movie score. We're treated to one of the best opening credits sequences of his career, but after that, I could have sworn there were pieces borrowed from the Friday the 13th reboot.

Score aside, this is a strong return for one of the genre's top masters. At times, it feels like it's not sure what type of movie it wants to be, but it moves along and certainly keeps the viewer engaged, and as noted above, much is explained at the end in a satisfactory way. It's not at the level of Halloween or The Thing, but I don't think anyone, including Carpenter, expected it to be. So now that after a long purgatory, the film has finally hit DVD and Blu-ray, I suggest you check it out.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance trailer has arrived

2011-08-20T08:01:00.001-07:00

Let's settle on not being sure what to make of this, shall we, folks? On the one hand, it ignores the previous film completely. On the other hand, it still stars Nicholas Cage, so that move actually doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Let's just see how it works out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebCawfEnSWU

Hellraiser: Revelations trailer has hit

2011-08-19T09:36:00.001-07:00

Here's a look at the first trailer for the latest Hellraiser sequel, Hellraiser: Revelations, hitting DVD October 18th from Dimension Extreme. It stars Steven Brand, Jay Gillespie and Stephan Smith-Collins replacing Doug Bradley for the very first time as Pinhead. Looks interesting if VERY small budget, so let's remain optimistic for now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJWqPWTwy78

Hidden Gem: Fright Night Part II

2011-04-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

I've discussed Fright Night before. At least, I've discussed the character of Evil Ed before. But Fright Night is one of my favorite horror movies of all time. It's smart, it's sleek, it brought the vampire genre back in a way that it really should get credit for. Every actor in it does a damn fine job and writer/director Tom Holland is at his best, even topping his work on Child's Play. Fright Night is my favorite vampire movie, and the ultimate self-referencial mix of humor and horror before Scream came along.

We're here to discuss its sequel. Thing is, a lot of horror fans know Fright Night is a gem, including the people just now meeting it for the first time, or who will rediscover it when the remake hits this August. It's got a crappy DVD out, but it's not very hidden. The sequel, however, has been out of print for years, but even when the DVD (even more crappy) was available, it wasn't the most well known or well respected of films. And I guess that's understandable. If Fright Night is Scream, this is surely not Scream 2.

Why, then, do I dare to call Fright Night II a hidden gem? Because I love the original so much, and once I got over Evil Ed not being in the movie, I really started to see what this sequel has going for it. We do have original characters returning. Both boy next door Charley Brewster and washed-up horror host Peter Vincent return from the original and their exchanges are priceless. There's more humor in this one, but for the most part (vampire bowling is the other part) it works. I dare even say Roddy McDowell's performance as Peter tops his great performance in the original. The effects are good too, though they certainly don't come close to topping the first.

There are references to the original film that are nice, and with the accompanying Brad Fiedel score, the sequel is simply a must for every fan of the first. The plot is an interesting twist too, in that while the first film was mostly circumstance, in Fright Night II the vampire (Regine Dandridge) is out to destroy our main characters, making her at least close to as scary as Jerry Dandridge was in the original. The back-and-forth between who believes and who doesn't is also hilarious. Yes, this was supposed to be Evil Ed's time to shine, but it does alright without him.

Now, this is not a review, I'll add. It's a hidden gem feature. That means this movie is out there, but you're not allowed to have it. Maybe it's on youtube. But maybe you're so intrigued now that we can wait together and hope that the new remake means a decent (or any) DVD release of this movie.

Because I, for one, can't wait to be sat down and welcomed to Fright Night again.

The 25 Greatest Horror Movies of 2000-2009 (Part 2)

2011-01-13T22:25:00.000-08:00

Continuing on. Obviously, read the first part first.

13. Trick 'R Treat (2009)

This film is really, really great. And fun. And the best movie about Halloween since, well, Halloween. A pretty major cast, all of whom does a good job, great script from the writer of X-Men 2, and great direction. Also, it brings anthology horror movies back in a big way and does things with time like I've never seen before. On top of that, little Sam is just too damn adorable. And frightening.

12. Dread (2009)

Another movie based on a Clive Barker short story. Much more small-scale than Midnight Meat Train, which really suits the movie. It's not just gritty... this film is very intimate. It's personal. And that's exactly what the story is about, exposing people's deepest dread. In a movie like this, the characters have to be very complex to see them broken, as they do get. And they are. All the major points of Barker's story are there, and this is just as unnerving.

11. The Devil's Backbone (2001)

Okay. Pretty much everyone is in love with Guillermo del Toro now and every movie he even thinks of making. But listen, honey. He was mine first. I saw this ghost story (which, like Pan's Labyrinth, is set during the Spanish Civil War) before his Hellboy was even a thing. It remains one of the flat-out scariest movies I have ever seen. And it manages to scare equally on both the supernatural and realistic level, which I've rarely seen done.

10. Hard Candy (2007).

Like Dread, this is a very intimate film... only, intimate in the sense that the entire movie is basically a dialogue between two characters. A very traumatized girl and the (possible) sex-offender who invited her over to his house, without so much as an Ackbar to shout "It's a trap!" to either of them. And even though we know throughout the movie that this girl is in the right, she terrifies us. That's only a small part of what makes the movie incredible.

09. Martyrs (2009). And the award for "most disturbing film of the decade" goes to... but seriously. It's all kinds of fucked up. The film deals with people who want to study the afterlife by examing (and by examining I mean orchestrating) the deaths of young teenage girls to try and record what they see as they die. In addition, the one girl that got away brutally murders an entire family at their breakfast table because one of them probably had something to do with what happened to her. Even though she's right... holy shit.

08. The Descent (2006).

Remember Dog Soldiers, and it's director, Neil Marshall? Remember how I said he got even better? This is that better. In this one, he works with an all-female cast (directly opposed to the all-male cast of Dog Soldiers) and focuses on a woman coming back from the brink of losing her husband and child on a cave-diving trip with her friends. There are things in that cave. Things that eat. From there, the title comes through on multiple levels. The American theatrical release bastardized the hopeless ending, and that bastardization sadly led to an even more monumentous bastardization of a sequel.

07. May (2002)

Talk about an original film. May is the debut of the terrific Lucky McKee (as far as I know, totally his real name) and Angela Bettis, who has already gone on to become a genre star. May is a girl who is a little weird, and all she wants is a friend. As her mother always said, if you can't find a friend, make one. So she does, taking all the best parts from the best people she knows. Grotesque and funny where it shouldn't be.

06. The Devil's Rejects (2005).

Rob Zombie's House of 1,000 Corpses really set the standard for movies in this decade, and almost made the list... but the sequel is just so much fucking better. In the first one, the sick and twisted Firefly family torture and kill a group of students making a documentary on roadside attractions. It's a very Texas Chainsaw style movie, and that's the intent. In the sequel, all of a sudden the monsters become the protagonists. They're on the run for their crimes and we're all, "oh no! Run, Captain Spaulding!" even though they all totally, totally deserve to die.

05. Let the Right One In (2008).

This Swedish film is a really beautiful study of a boy who wants to kill the bullies that are mean to him, and the little girl who tells him it's okay, and she can show him how. She (?) is a vampire, and he may not know it, being eleven, but he is a killer. Together, they're still really cute. Very quiet, almost peaceful-feeling movie, even though it's terribly violent and unnerving. There's still something beautiful about it. I still have yet to see the American remake, but I hear good things.

04. High Tension (2004).

And the French strike again, this time leaving a nice, scarring impact. Two friends are on a trip, staying at one's house. A maniac comes, kills the whole family in minutes, and kidnaps one of the girls. All of a sudden, it's all on the other girl to track him down. The film is great retro-exploitation all the way to the shocking ending, where it's revealed what the film is really about, which makes it that much better.

03. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2007).

I've put up a full review of this on the blog before. So I'll just say that this tongue-in-cheek movie is an incredible breakdown of the slasher film. It does everything Scream attempted, and does it even better. It's funny and really unsettling, in all the right places. The script, acting, documentary-style and direction are all spot on in a pretty much near perfect film.

02. Funny Games (2007).

Funny Games takes this spot for being where many of the other films on this list were, and taking the extra step. Going just a little further. Not in terms of violence, per se, but in terms of horror. The entire film is a descent. It goes further and further into darkness for this family, terrorized by two yuppy teenagers who look like a couple of pricks, but otherwise completely harmless. It literally gets worse for the family with each passing second, and while it FEELS like it's very hard to watch... well, you're still not looking away.

01. 28 Days Later (2002).

Think about how many times you've heard about zombies this week. Alright. Think about how many times you've heard about zombies today. You may not think that's a big deal, but if you were in the '90's, you may remember that zombies weren't. They took to comedy in the late 80's and totally fizzled out... until this British horror from director Danny Boyle changed everything. Now, the people in this film are infected by rage and are not true zombies, but it's the same genre, and this movie singlehandedly revived that genre in a big way. It harkens back to the best days of Romero in that this movie is not just about the infected cannibals, or even survival in a post-apocalyptic world. It is, in particular, about the survival of the human spirit. About keeping your humanity when everyone around you has lost theirs. It succeeds admirably as the best horror movie of the decade.

Honorable mentions: 28 Weeks Later, House of 1,000 Corpses, Jenifer, Bubba-HoTep, Dawn of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland. And a lot of others. It was a damn good decade, and I can only hope this decade will hold a candle.

The 25 Greatest Horror Movies of 2000-2009 (Part 1)

2011-01-13T21:25:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been awhile off, but here I am again with one of the hardest lists I've ever had to come up with for this thing. There's a bit of backstory here too. This list was spawned when I overheard people talking about how they hoped horror movies would be better in this next decade, because this previous one was terrible and we got nothing but remakes. There was no originality anymore, they said. I'm sure you've heard it all before. So here I am to prove them (and frankly the majority of the internet) wrong. I believe this previous decade was horror's best since the 1970's and I'm here to tell you why. I wanna show you that not only were there some damn original horror flicks, but some amongst them were some of the most original of all time. So here we go.

25. Hatchet (2006)

This movie certainly had its flaws, but it was fun. And that was really all it tried to be. It advertised as a fun, throwback slasher romp (including an impressive cast of genre stars like Robert Englund, Kane Hodder and Tony Todd) to bring a little of that old-fashioned 80's slasher feel back to screens. And it did exactly that. Good humor, grotesque and gratuitous violence, and Victor Crowley is nice contender for a new horror icon. Can't wait to check out Hatchet II (starring Danielle Harris) when it finally hits DVD/Blu-Ray.

24. Saw (2004)

Okay, you all knew this had to be on here somewhere. In fact, I'm guessing a lot of people thought it would even be in the top spot. If this was a list of the most successful horror movies of the decade, it would no doubt take the cake. But most of the movies on this list are very small, independent pictures that flew under the radar, and this movie serves as a good explanation as to why. None of the other movies got the exposure Saw did to spawn six sequels. I'm sure they would have if they were put in the same situation. But very few of those movies needed a sequel, and that includes this one. It just suffered from overexposure. Nonetheless, this is a great psychological horror if left to its own merit.

23. Dog Soldiers (2002)

A Scottish movie about troops on a routine training exercise who run into a pack of werewolves. The plot is simple, but the film is superbly done, especially for a debut and a film as small as this one. Neil Marshall has gone on to prove himself again and again as a director (as you'll see later on in this list) and this exciting, fast-paced, and brutal film remains one of the best werewolf movies in a very long time.

22. The House of the Devil (2009)

The decade seemed filled with movies trying to recapture the feel of older horror films, mostly following on the heels of Rob Zombie's House of 1,000 Corpses. But whereas those films tried... this one succeeded. Completely. Shot on '80's cameras, scored with '80's synthesizers. Even reused a couple of 80's actors. The tone and the script nailed an early 80's thriller, and the special edition DVD case was even designed to look like an old VHS box. If you flipped by this movie on the TV you would have no idea it wasn't made in 1985. It's the first time I've felt nostalgia watching something completley new. All that, and it's pretty spooky to boot.

21. The Mist (2007)

Frank Darabont scored big with his two previous Stephen King adaptions (Shawshank Redemption and the Green Mile) but The Mist was his first attempt at adapting some of King's actual horror and by God he pulled it off. This is a very tense, very scary film made all the more scary by the shockingly realistic characters. Overall, the film about a group of people locked in a store fighting off legions of unkown beings is very faithful to King's novella, save for the dismal ending, which even the King himself admitted was better.

20. Ginger Snaps (2000)

Another werewolf movie, and it couldn't be more different than Dog Soldiers. Ginger and Bridgitte are two young sisters, teenagers who are fascinated with death and want nothing to do with any of the other kids. Blossoming isn't even in their vocabulary. So enter the werewolf, which in this film is a thinly-veiled yet brilliant metaphor for a girl's, er, coming of age. The tagline even reads "They don't call it the curse for nothing..." Both of the girls do a remarkable job of acting, Katharine Isabelle as the transforming Ginger, and Emily Perkins as the quiet Bridgitte. Followed by a good sequel and... odd prequel.

19. The Midnight Meat Train (2008)

In stark contrast to Saw, this movie--based on a short story by Clive Barker--was criminally underexposed. It was pulled days before its theatrical release because the name sounded like a porn. Instead of changing or telling people to grow the fuck up, the movie was pulled from release altogether and slapped onto DVD. Which is really too bad, because this is a brooding, psychological, very brutal and well-acted film that absolutely deserved to be seen.

18. The Girl Next Door (2007)

Based on the equally heartbreaking novel by Jack Ketchum, The Girl Next Door is a fictionalized account of one of the worst crimes in American history. One one level, it is the account of a girl who was so brutalized and tortured by her aunt (who in turn, let all the neighborhood kids torture her as well) that she eventually died. On another level, it is a study of '50's culture, how people could turn a blind eye to anything, and how children will literally do anything with an adult's permission. Deeply unsettling. Another film made at the same time, An American Crime, is based more on what actually happened, but does not go as far in showing the horror.

17. Wolf Creek (2005)

Australia is a really scary place. It's not just enough that every animal is designed to kill you, but, well... then there's Mick. While it starts off feeling like an Australian version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, this quickly turns into a very unconventional film with a really scary bad guy, played brilliantly by John Jarrat. I liked the film from the beginning, but it won me over when Jarrat repeated the infamous line "you call that a knife? THIS is a knife" with a terrible new meaning.

16. Teeth (2008)

Remember how I said some of these movies were among the most original ever? Well, here she is, folks. This tongue-in-cheek feminist study of a horror film depicts a girl who--as she burgeons into womanhood, discovers she has teeth in her vagina. During her first sexual encounter, it saves her from rape. And then again. And again. With every other man she meets, who also tries to rape her, until the wonderfully vomit-inducing...uh... climax of the movie where she uses it as a tool. Or possibly a superpower.

15. Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)

And again with the originality. And brilliance. And song and dance and blood and guts. Really, Repo is the story of the distance between a father and daughter, the family dynamic, and how secrets can destroy each other's lives. More than that, it's about how far people will go to be considered beautiful, inside and outside. Also, this girl's father repossesses people's designer internal organs. So that destroys lives too. Oh, and it's a gothic rock opera. And Paris Hilton's face falls off.

14. Paranormal Activity (2009)

This film is on the list for a couple of reasons. It's effectively, pants-shittingly scary, for one. Two, it does everything that The Blair Witch Project set out to do (and completely failed at doing) and does it right. But the winning thing about this movie is that it was made for literally nothing. Most syfy channel original movies have three times the budget of this movie. But it took what it had and used it like I have just never seen before. I don't know what the hell the ending means in either version of this, but I did scream like a little girl.

Top 20 Episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Part 2)

2010-07-22T17:09:00.000-07:00

Continuing on, promoting season eight, with a countdown of Buffy's best episodes ever. Here, we have reached the top ten.

10. Chosen (Season 7, episode 22)

Here we have what was (until very recently) the series finale, and even if it isn't it marks the end of an era. It's an episode about changing the world, achieving a mission statement, and it pulls it off beautifully. The First Evil has amassed its forces and Buffy and the gang must prepare for war. Hatching a plan to defeat the first, Buffy has Willow perform a spell that results in every potential slayer worldwide becoming a slayer. Spike, given an amulet by Buffy, reaches a peak of his hero's journey when he sacrifices himself to close the Hellmouth and save the world. As far as series finales went, it was one of the best, and most touching, ever. With an eighth season now, it still holds up as one of the series' best.

Best quote: "Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?"-Buffy

9. The Gift (Season 5, episode 22)

While "Chosen" tried to be the end of the series, "The Gift" was designed to feel like it could be the end of the series. Buffy finally reaches the meaning of the first slayer's cryptic message "death is your gift" and comes to reach the peak of her own heroism. Glory is going to use Dawn's blood to open the portal and destroy dimensions. Dawn's blood is the only way to close the portal too. But Buffy will let everyone die before anyone touches her sister. Her love for Dawn finally shows, and we see that she actually trusts Spike with Dawn's life... an improvement for them. But seeing Buffy sacrificing herself to save the world is a powerful, powerful image, bested only by Giles killing an "innocent" man because he can do what Buffy cannot.

Best quote: "Tell Giles... I understand now. And I'm okay. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be strong. Live. For me." -Buffy

8. "Becoming, Parts 1 and 2" (Season 2, episode 21 & 22)

Ending the season that kicked the show into high gear, Buffy is finally ready to put Angel down, while we see glimpses of where he came from, and how he came to be. In one night, Buffy is stripped of everything. She is expelled from school, kicked out of her house, and has to kill her boyfriend to save the world. It's one of the series most heartbreaking episodes, as proven by the Mutant Enemy, who proclaims at the end "I need a hug."

Best quote: Angel: "Take that away and what's left?" Buffy: "Me."

7. Conversations With Dead People (Season 7, episode 7)

A truly great episode, and again one of those episodes that sets up the entire season. It's also one of the scariest, especially when Dawn is visited by the possible ghost of her mother. This episode, is literally as the title states. Basically five interconnected short stories. Buffy awkwardly discusses her issues with a vampire psych major, Willow talks to The First as Cassie, who claims to have a message from Tara. Spike picks up a girl in a bar, and in a nice play on words, doesn't actually say anything the entire episode. Andrew is talking to the First as Warren, who convinces him to kill Jonathan, a character reoccuring since the first season. Great piece of storytelling, feels almost like a separate artwork unto itself.

Best quote: "I miss my friends. I miss my enemies. I miss the people I talked to everyday, and I miss the people who never knew I existed. I miss 'em all. I want to talk to them, you know? I want to find out what's going on in their lives."-Jonathan

6. Restless (Season 4, Episode 22)

Buffy's such a deep show, there have been many books and essays written on it. Restless is the only episode that has an entire book written on it. You can watch this episode over and over and over again, and never see everything that's there. The episode also uses TV's four act structure brilliantly, dividing it up into four parts, and the whole thing takes place in each character's (Buffy, Willow, Xander, Giles) dream. On the surface, they're being stalked by the first slayer, but beneath that, they're facing their own fears, their own nerves, and Willow is facing the stangest performance of "Death of a Salesman" ever.

Best quote: "I showed up early so I got to be cowboy guy." -Riley

5. Passion (Season 2, Episode 17)

Though Angel had gone bad in "Innocence" and it had been bad, but he hadn't really done anything truly evil yet. This episode was written to fix that. Giles and Jenny are repairing their relationship after he learns her backstory and her role in Angel's fate. She desperately wants to make everything right with him, so she makes a move to restore Angel's soul. And we almost think it will work. Until Angel shows up and chases her through the high school, snapping her neck, in a truly terrifying scene. But what's really scary is also maybe the most beautifully choreographed shot in TV history. Giles comes home with a sweetly written note saying "upstairs" and a rose petal on each step, and disovers Jenny's body sprawled out on the bed. And then Angel's smile at Giles's call to Buffy and Willow to tell them what happened. And we understand that Buffy's boyfriend is gone.

Best quote: "Without passion, we'd be truly dead." -Angel

4. Who Are You (Season 4, Episode 16)

The second half of a two parter in which Faith wakes up from the coma Buffy put her in at the end of "Graduation Day". She has found the Mayor's final gift to her... a gift that allows her to switch bodies with Buffy, giving Faith what she always really wanted... Buffy's life. It takes the usual 'body swapping' plot and makes it so much more than that. Sarah Michelle Gellar playing Faith playing Buffy is a truly stellar performance. And Faith's repeating of the line "because it's wrong" finally meaning it the last time, is a huge step toward the character's redemption.

Best quote: "I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckle and your eyes pop. And you know why I don't? (mocks Buffy) because it's wrong."

3. Hush (Season 4, Episode 10)

We're getting into obvious territory here, as Hush is probably the most revered and critically acclaimed episode of "Buffy". It's proven by its Emmy nomination for "Best Writing for a Drama Series" in 2000. And it's worth every acclaim. Whedon apparently heard that his series was only successful due to its witty banter and created this: an episode with 23 whole minutes of silence. On top of that, it is easily the scariest episode of "Buffy" ever, with the scariest villains in the form of the Gentlemen. Most people say to start the series with this episode. I say don't. You have to earn your way to this one.

Best quote: "When I kiss you, it'll make the sun go down." -Riley

2. Once More, With Feeling (Season 6, Episode 7)

There's nothing to say about this episode that hasn't already been said. Like Buffy at its best, it is groundbreaking television. But this breaks more ground than any other single episode of a television series. TV's done musicals before, with disastrous results. Joss taught himself how to compose music to come up with this musical episode (also one of the only musicals ever to acknowledge the singing and dancing is out of the ordinary). There's the perfect, Whedon twist in that the characters are singing everything that they don't want to say to each other. The things they can't express in words are coming out in song. It is, ironically, the polar opposite of "Hush". As with many of the greats, this is one of the most touching, saddest, and funniest episodes of the series all at once, and maybe one of the best musicals in general in a long, long time.

Best quote: "They Got. The Mustard. OOOOUUUUUUUT!!!" -Mustard Guy

1. The Body (Season 5, Episode 16)

"The Body" is a masterpiece in every since of the word. In terms of directing, writing, and acting, it is the single most well-crafted episode of television to appear before or after it. Everything fits. And everything is heartbreaking, because everything feels so real. The show, despite its demons, always feels real... but in this episode, in which Buffy discovers her mother's dead body on the couch and goes through the motions of the immediate way to deal with death, it feels as though it's happening to you. It's tough. And it's powerful. And it is, in every since of the word, remarkable.

Best quote: "I don't understand how this all happens, how we go through this, I mean I knew her and then she's... there's just a body, I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead, it's stupid. It's mortal and stupid and Xander's crying and not talking and I was having fruit punch and I thought that Joyce would never have any more fruit punch and she'll never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why." - Anya

Top 20 Episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Part 1)

2010-07-22T13:44:00.000-07:00

This is, possibly, the hardest list I've written on this blog. To provide a simple answer, "Buffy" is one of the best shows that's ever been on television, certainly the best genre show, and there's never been a bad episode. Certainly, the first season and first half of the second season comprise many "less memorable" episodes, but a bad one? Never.

So, after great turmoil (inner and outer, as is only fitting) I present the top 20 episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (20-11).

20. Dopplegangland (Season 3, Episode 16)

After a wish that created an alternate reality (see #19, The Wish) in which Buffy had never come to Sunnydale, the vengeance demon Anyanka, or "Anya", is searching for the necklace she lost in that dimension and recruits Willow to help her. Willow, who is feeling less than needed, agrees and accidentally releases that reality's version of her into her world. It allows for a wonderful performance from Alyson Hannigan as both the normal reality's Willow and her evil, bisexual, vampire doppleganger. The gang's reaction to Willow's death (and then the fact that she's alive) is a hilarious, yet somehow touching moment.

Best quote: "That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil... and skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay."-Willow

19. The Wish (Season 3, Episode 9)

Cordelia, having broken up with Xander after discovering him kissing Willow, makes a wish to the vengeance demon Anyanka that Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale. It creates a grim alternate reality where Xander and Willow are vampires, The Master was never defeated and controls the entire town, Angel is his tortured pet, Giles, Oz and Larry are the only ones trying (rather unsuccessfully) to make a difference. And Buffy is stripped of her friends, her family and a good portion of her humanity, making her very similar to Faith.

Best quote: Giles: "I have to believe in a better world." Buffy: "Go ahead. I have to live in this one."

18. Normal Again (Season 6, Episode 17)

Buffy gets infected by a demon and begins to have visions of a world where she is in a mental institution, and her mother and father are still together. In that world, her doctor tells her that Sunnydale is all an elaborate fantasy created in her mind, and that if she wants to be normal again, she has to destroy the things tying her down there (i.e. her friends and her sister, Dawn). The episode plays brilliantly with Buffy's own troubled psyche of this season, and with the fact that it never overtly states that this other world isn't the real one.

Best quote: "Buffy's delusion is multi-layered. She believes she's some sort of hero." -Doctor

17. Prophecy Girl (Season 1, Episode 12)

Giles reads a prophecy that states clearly that if Buffy is to face The Master when he rises, she will die. Buffy is terrified by the news and says that she quits, but after Willow and Cordelia discover two students killed by The Master's vampires, Buffy goes down into the underground church to face him. He overpowers her, proclaiming that the true prophecy reads that the slayer is the one to set him free, and without her he cannot rise. Having said this, he leaves her in the water to drown. Xander and Angel discover her at the last minute and Xander performs CPR, bringing Buffy back to life. Re-energized, Buffy kills The Master and stops the Hellmouth from rising. All in time for the dance.

Best quote: "I may be dead. But I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you." -Buffy

16. Band Candy (Season 3, Episode 6)

Principal Snyder awards Buffy and the gang the dubious honor of selling "Band Candy", chocolate bars to support the school's marching band. The candy, however, is being produced by Giles's old nemesis, Ethan Rayne. The candy reverts all of the town's adults back into teenagers. It's the best straightforward comedy episode of the series, and also an interesting character study revealing what Snyder, Joyce and especially Giles were like as teenagers.

Best quote: "Whoa, Summers! You drive like a spaz!" -Principal Snyder

15. Lover's Walk (Season 3, Episode 8)

Spike returns to Sunnydale after Drusilla breaks up with him. A husk of the villainous vampire he was in the previous season, he is drunk off his ass and kidnaps Willow and Xander, forcing Willow to do a love spell to make Dru want him again. Instead, he runs into Buffy while Willow and Xander hide in the factory, assuming they're going to die. They give into passion and kiss...right as Oz and Cordelia appear to rescue them. The real treat of the episode is James Marsters who has never been in better form as Spike. Psychotic, sympathetic, and outright hilarious, all in one episode.

Best quote: "Love isn't brains, children, it's blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it." -Spike

14. Earshot (Season 3, Episode 18)

After being scratched by a demon, Buffy is informed by Giles that she will gain "an aspect of the demon", which turns out to be telepathy. It's a wonderful character study figuring out what each character is thinking (Willow's nervous Buffy will know Oz better than she does, Oz is geniusly philosophical, Xander really can't stop thinking about sex, and Cordelia really is that shallow) except for Angel, as it seems vampires are immune to telepathy. The plot thickens when Buffy hears someone say they're going to kill everyone in the school. Even with a hilarious twist at the end, it becomes a very serious episode about school violence and the angst of high school has never been covered better.

Best quote: "You think it's quiet down there. It's not. It's deafening." -Buffy

13. Bad Girls (Season 3, Episode 14)

Season 3 kicks into high-gear with this episode, which introduces Buffy and Faith's new watcher, the more-Giles-than-Giles Wesley Whyndam Price. Faith seduces Buffy into her way of thinking, that slayers are above the law. They steal weapons, fight more vamps than they can handle, and Buffy is starting to really love it...until Faith accidentally stakes the deputy mayor, a human. Faith's road to the dark side starts here with her dumping the body, brushing it off like it never happened, and threatening Buffy if she tells anyone.

Best quote: Buffy: "Faith, you don't get it. You killed a man." Faith: "No. You don't get it. I don't care."

12. Innocence (Season 2, Episode 14)

Some may, with good reason, consider this episode the true beginning of the series. This is the episode where Buffy went from being a "very good" show to a "good goddamn phenomenal" one. Picking up on the cliffhanger of surprise where Buffy and Angel have sex, then Angel stumbles into the street in immense pain, it is revealed that part of Angel's curse is that if he ever has a moment of true happiness, he will lose his soul. We see Angelus for the first time, and see what a tremendous bastard he is. The scene where Buffy and Angel meet up for the first time after having sex is heartbreaking, as is (to a lesser extent) Willow finding Xander and Cordelia kissing.

Best quote: "I'll call you."-Angelus

11. Fool For Love (Season 5, Episode 7)

In this episode (actually my personal favorite episode) we get to see Spike's past, and after so many "Angel flashback" episodes, it's great to balance it out. Buffy gets nearly killed by a single vampire and she wants to know how the other slayers have died, so she goes to the only vampires who has ever killed two: Spike. He gives her the rundown of his past, from London 1880, to China 1900, to New York, 1977, to Brazil 1998. There's hilarious stuff here, full of in-jokes, poking at continuity for all it's worth... but there's a beautiful piece of narrative television here, focusing on one of the most complex characters in all of television history.

Best quote: "Every slayer has a death wish. Even you." -Spike

Review of Buffy episode 801 "The Long Way Home, Part 1"

2010-07-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

It's here. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is back on the screen (computer screen, for now, but with DVD release in the Fall). As an avid fan of the show and avid reader of the season 8 comic series, I was awaiting this release pretty heavily. And I was not disappointed.

It's four years after the show. After they changed the world by turning every potential slayer into a slayer and destroying Sunnydale. The new base of operations is in Scotland, operated by Buffy and Xander. Buffy and her squad of slayers (including new characters Satsu, Rowena and Renee) find a corpse with a mysterious symbol on its chest. Meanwhile, a military group investigates the Sunnydale crater and finds its only two survivors...

The story's adapted nicely from the comic. A few lines are taken out, a few lines are added and it's an acceptable balance. The animation actually flows quite nicely compared to many motion comics. It brings a lot to the new format, especially the action sequences, which are pulled off very well. Another bonus is the music. Having the theme back really brought this home as season eight.

Things that may take getting used to: the voice acting is obviously jarring at first because I'm so used to the cast, but you'd be surpised how quickly you get over it. The short format only leaves you wanting more, which is probably not a bad thing, especially with season eight being twice as long as every other season. The biggest thing that takes getting used to is the fact that the character's mouths don't move. With how well the rest is animated, you'd think they'd be able to do something about this. Again, this becomes tolerable fairly quickly, but I would like to see them fix it.

Overall, the season, finally in moving-picture format, is off to a good start and gets a solid 8/10 from me.

Five Reasons to Watch the New "Buffy"

2010-07-19T16:06:00.000-07:00

Those of us who have read the comic already know what Whedon has in store for the return of the series, which premiers on itunes in about a half hour. For everyone else (those who are illiterate, don't have time, or are against the medium) they will be introduced through this (finally) animated version of Joss Whedon's eighth season. From someone who has read, speaking to those who have not, here are the reasons to look forward to the show:

5. Action and Epicness. One of the goals of turning Buffy into a comic or animated series (which was initially planned before a comic was) was to step up the scale of the action due to not being bound by a TV budget. And the comic did just that. In season 8, you will be treated to action and monsters on a scale the show never touched upon (including the US army vs. an army of slayers. And werewolves). There's some serious Lord of the Rings shit going on in these battles, and the new season will present all of them. It's hailed as Buffy's most epic season, and in terms of actually being an epic, it is... actually being...an epic.

4. The Return of Your Favorite Characters. Joss Whedon is, by standard definitions, the Lord. Defined in that he giveth, and he taketh away. Given his track record, he'll probably giveth back what he taketh, but with Joss, everyone seems to come back eventually (except for a few cases where, as Jud Crandall would say, "shometimes dahd is buttah"). And if you had a favorite character, they'll be back this season. Talking and acting and making sweet, two-dimensional love. But because Joss is a magical man with magical trousers, it will not be forced. Everyone will return when they need to and because they need to. Except Tara, who remains shot in the chest.

3. The music. We get the storytelling, and it was good...and very moving. But Buffy had a one hell of a score through each of its seasons. Stabbing your hunny bunny through the chest is more painful when accompanied by a tragic piano diddy (which, spoiler alert, you will be hearing again).

2. Character development. It was what drove the show. Buffy, with its immaculate writing, had phenomenally crafted characters. They grew so much from season to season. And their may be more growth here than in any one season of the show. In Dawn's case, about 20 ft. There are character relationships/hookups that are the most surprising since Willow and Tara. Characters doing and saying things you would never expect them to, because they are still growing. And some doing exactly what you might expect them to, because, while growing, they're still the same person.

1. Its Immaculate Writing. Buffy was possibly the most well-written show in TV history. The entire writing staff has returned. While it's the one thing we got in the comic, it is still the big thing here. Some may very well say "the thing that makes it good". But the gang is back together. Its Joss Whedon, returning to his baby. Not only that, but this is the longest season of the show (see above: epic) at two volumes that will comprise 40 episodes. It also has the largest cast, because those slayers... there are a lot of them.

Also, if that didn't sell you... the villain's name is Twilight. So, world, let it be known that Buffy will truly and literally be kicking Twilight's ass on a weekly basis.

Trailer premiered but was taken down due to a sound mixup. First episode still scheduled to premiere sometime today.

Today's Epic B-Movie Scene: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

2010-07-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... the Crispin Glover dance. For those of you unfamiliar with this icon, this is George McFly of the Back to the Future series. Or, more recently, creepy one-armed bellhop from Hot Tub Time Machine. Or creepy eyepatch guy from Alice in Wonderland.

Either way, here he is laying down the moves that undoubtedly led to the conception of Marty McFly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIMj_tYfzsc

"See Anything You Like?" The 100 Greatest Horror Movies You've Never Seen

2010-07-02T11:57:00.001-07:00

In apology for not posting as often as promised, here's a monumental list. A monumentally monumental list. And, because it is so monumentous, it is presented in no particular order. Especially alphabetical.

1. Pumpkinhead
2. Phantasm
3.Dolls
4. Dog Soldiers
5. The Devil's Backbone
6. Boy Eats Girl
7. Candyman
8. The Descent
9. High Tension (aka Switchblade Romance)
10. Martin
11. Cannibal Holocaust
12. Trick 'R Treat
13. Nosferatu (1977 remake)
14. The Hitcher (1986)
15. Martyrs
16. Creepshow
17. From Beyond
18. The Beyond
19. Zombie (aka Zombi 2, aka Zombie: Dawn of the Dead)
20. Castle Freak
21. The Pit and the Pendulum (1991)
22. Audition
23. Alice, Sweet Alice
24. Let's Scare Jessica to Death
25. Near Dark
26. Fright Night
27. The Last House on the Left (1972)
28. It's Alive
29. Peeping Tom
30. Black Christmas (1974)
31. Suspiria
32. Freaks
33. The Serpent and the Rainbow
34. Jacob's Ladder
35. Wait Until Dark
36. Grace
37. Nightbreed
38. Lord of Illusions
39. Book of Blood
40. The Midnight Meat Train
41. Dread
42. Dead Alive (aka Braindead)
43. Return of the Living Dead
44. The Fog (1981)
45. My Bloody Valentine (1981)
46. Cronos
47. Dead Girl
48. Prince of Darkness
49. Day of the Dead (1985)
50. Wes Craven's New Nightmare
51. The Changeling
52. Dellamorte Dellamore (Cemetery Man)
53. Wolf Creek
54. The Ugly
55. Repulsion
56. The Monster Squad
57. Night of the Creeps
58. Inferno
59. Return of the Living Dead 3
60. Tourist Trap
61. In the Mouth of Madness
62. They Live
63. The People Under the Stairs
64. The Ninth Gate
65. Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (1995)
66. Hellbound: Hellraiser II
67. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer
68. Event Horizon
69. Re-Animator
70. Puppet Master
71. City of the Living Dead
72. I Spit on Your Grave (aka Day of the Woman)
73. Videodrome
74. The Fly (1985)
75. Shivers
76. Arachnophobia
77. The Girl Next Door (2007)
78. Ichi the Killer
79. 'M'
80. Eyes Without a Face
81. Sleepaway Camp
82. The Howling
83. Se7en
84. Scanners
85. Session 9
86. Alone in the Dark (1981)
87. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
88. Hatchet
89. Fido
90. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
91. The Crazies (1972)
92. May
93. Ginger Snaps
94. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
95. Let the Right One In
96. Diary of the Dead
97. The Wicker Man (1973)
98. Teeth
99. Horror of Dracula (1958)
100. Dario Argento's Opera

Today's Epic B-Movie Scene: They Live

2010-07-01T20:26:00.001-07:00

Immortal. Poetry. This film (and John Carpenter, obviously) is legendary.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wp_K8prLfso

Today's Epic B-Movie Scene: Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland

2010-04-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

I've talked about Sleepaway Camp on this blog before. An underrated slasher, provocative, with a truly unique twist for the time. This is not that film. This is its second sequel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0RMZV-bZ3A

Today's Epic B-Movie Scene: Return of the Living Dead

2010-04-07T21:26:00.000-07:00

Today's scene is from the 1980's classic "Return of the Living Dead". Notice the great Linnea Quigley (pink haired here) in one of her most classic roles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kIAB3yT8OA

Today's Epic B-Movie Scene: The Toxic Avenger

2010-04-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

Best scene from the king of B-Movies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG2jhq_-EoY

Today's Epic B-Movie Scene: Godzilla vs. Monster Zero

2010-04-05T17:57:00.000-07:00

No, I didn't expect Godzilla to ever make it onto this blog either. But... lo and behold, I found this. And it is truly too brilliant to not share with all of you fine folks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTwH5nqRvOo

Today's Epic B-Movie Scene: Critters 2: The Main Course

2010-04-04T21:16:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter. This one comes from the classic Easter bunny scene from Critters 2, it's been previously mentioned as one of my personal favorite death scenes in horror movie history.

And go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsIWTm8kOGY

Today's Epic B-Movie Scene: Cat's Eye

2010-04-03T21:22:00.000-07:00

Today's scene comes from Stephen King's Cat's Eye. In this scene, a troll tries to steal the soul of a young Drew Barrymore, but is stopped by her kitty. What ensues is one of the most beautiful movie fights ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_cFNbrPLx4

Today's Epic B-Movie Scene: Alligator

2010-04-02T21:20:00.000-07:00

Today's comes from 1980's animal attack, don't flush your live baby gator down the sewer, movie... Alligator.

Roll clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erADhR9l9Dg

Today's Epic B-Movie Scene: Ghoulies II

2010-04-01T23:24:00.000-07:00

Today's epic B-Movie scene comes from "Ghoulies II." Sequel to Ghoulies and prequel to Ghoulies Go To College. It may stink in places, but it's a gem. You'll get that when you see the clip, so...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RmBQarrygY

Joss Whedon's Horror Trailer!!!!

2010-03-31T21:16:00.000-07:00

Find it here first! The exclusive new trailer for Joss Whedon's Cabin in the Woods!! Has not been released ANYWHERE else yet!

See it here first:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHmRhuzVbE4

Today's Epic B-Movie Scene: Leprechaun in the Hood

2010-03-31T11:39:00.000-07:00

What say we give March a proper farewell? Today's scene comes from "Leprechaun in the Hood". It doesn't need much setting up. These movies have pretty self-explanatory titles (Leprechaun in Space, Leprechaun Back 2 Tha Hood) so we'll just say that in this scene, the little devil decides to wrap up what could be his masterpiece performance out of all of them with a little Irish song and dance.

Roll clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlufxatPxnA

Today's Epic B-Movie Scene: Monster Squad

2010-03-30T20:22:00.000-07:00

Today's epic B-Movie scene (what's that you say? why, it's an epic scene from a movie of epic B) comes from the Monster Squad. Our clip today comes from 1987's "The Monster Squad" directed by Fred Dekker. The movie is essentially the Goonies meets the classic monsters (Dracula, Frankenstein, Werewolf, Mummy, Creature) but lemme tell you, it was a 12 year old horror fan's wet dreams. Kids who love monster movies... fight monsters. Pure '80's brilliance.

Roll clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBaAq0BxXLg

Top 30 Horror Themes

2010-03-29T13:30:00.001-07:00

Sorry I've been away so long. Things piled up, got out of hand... but I'm back now. And we're going to start off the new and improved, frequently posted upon blog with my top 30 horror themes of all time.

I'll count down the list and provide a link to listen for each song.

30. Lucio Fulci's The Psychic (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEnUk-gk0II&feature=related)

29. Silence of the Lambs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_bNsOgzRww)

28. A Return to 'Salem's Lot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcTVadldjIs)

27. Saw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3KN_bLjzpM&feature=fvst)

26. Ginger Snaps (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PVMN8b_9bk&feature=related)

25. The Amityville Horror (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TsxYGaHP4U)

23. The Lost Boys (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofEXDeAwa4A)

22. Resident Evil (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8FhcOHXa-M)

21. Puppet Master (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPttmTm2f_0&feature=related)

20. Leprechaun (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDAYZitDX-U)

19. Child's Play 2 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmBbt_cipxM)

18. Poltergeist (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHtPa834UhQ)

17. Suspiria (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJUaCAIxSk4)

16. Children of the Corn (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzFR9r8C7cI)

15. A Nightmare on Elm Street (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qg0fRUr_PGQ)

14. Phantasm (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3ieQxm_M2I)

13. 28 Days Later (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KW0RX02SeQw)

12. Nekromantik (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Wy2bqJZGmM)

11. The Omen (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iO9z9LX_1zM)

10. Carrie (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skJ_SNdYu7g)

09. Psycho (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2d038iZ2QYY)

08. Zombie (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39szQy3TcH4)

07. Cannibal Holocaust (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BC3TU40VfNQ&feature=related)

06. Candyman (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxZg0FRae1g)

05. Fright Night (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ib0VxyFoRWQ)

04. Hellbound: Hellraiser II (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPdHSmUyrKM)

03. Creepshow (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_QSfOnFzAM)

02. The Exorcist (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1PH_Y8Xn4g)

01. Halloween (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWTD-nXadaI&feature=related)

Thanks for listening... er, joining, folks. These were hard to pick and I had to throw in some of the more obscure ones with the obvious classics.

Also, a little honorable mention to numbers 31 and 32.

31. It (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4j9nAlhJMo&feature=related)

32. The Fog (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwuCQ2xIwQ4)

And that's all folks. Expect me to be around a lot more from now on.

Review: Hellraiser: Bloodline

2009-10-02T21:24:00.000-07:00

5/10

Starring: Bruce Ramsay, Valentina Vargas, Doug Bradley. Directed by Alan Smithee (Kevin Yagher.)

Here we have the biggest, most muddled mess of the Hellraiser series. The first two films are two of the greatest horror films in existence, and the third was a very good continuation of the mythology. But Bloodline is an anomaly, given that it is written by the same man that wrote 2 and 3 (Peter Atkins). This is a very ambitious film, and has many good ideas, but none of them play out exactly as they should. Essentially, Bloodline is a perfect example of how a perfectly good script (and it is, the original script for this movie is remarkable) can be utterly ruined by the studio.

The story spans three generations. First and most exciting, we get to see the complete origin of the nefarious box, The Lament Configuration. Turns out it was done out of ignorance by toymaker Philip LeMerchand. He was commissioned to make the box for a wealthy baron who uses it as a gateway to Hell, from which he pulls the demoness Angelique. LeMerchand, horrified at what he has created, tries to design an idea for a puzzle that will destroy demons, to mirror his design that summons them.

Cut to the present, where architect Jack Merchant is being plagued by dreams (of Angelique, who survived the centuries) as he works on his latest design, which has an ever-eerie resemblance to the box. Angelique knows that he is a descendant of LeMerchand and goes to America to find him. Carnage ensues, leading to the summoning of Pinhead, who graces a little more screen time than is usual for these films.

Our wrap-around segment, where we see our narrator, is in the 22nd century on the space station Minos. Yes, that's right. Pinhead in space. See Jason X, Leprechaun 4 and Critters 4 for info on how well that usually works. Anyway, here LeMerchand's last descendant has finally figured out the Elysium Configuration, the box that will destroy the gateway to Hell and uses it to destroy Pinhead (who's never really been the all-out villain in the series before, he's more of a shadow character, so this feels a little contrived).

Like I said, a lot of good ideas. But the end result is a mess. The film, just from the synopsis should (and deserves to be) 2 hours long. The film itself is 81 minutes. Yeah. There's a story on that though. See, the first cut of the film was indeed over 2 hours. Unfortunately, the studio decided that's no length for a horror movie, so they cut out enough footage to be considered another feature film. Also, Angelique was dubbed over with an American actress to remove her French accent. Wonderful thought process in the makings of this one. What we're left with is a mess of a movie. It's unfortunate, it really is, because there was a lot of potential here, and a lot of charisma in the early days of its making. Clive Barker, upon seeing the final product sued (and failed) to have his name removed, and Kevin Yagher (outstanding special effects guy who did the make-up for Freddy Krueger and designed the Chucky doll, as well as the Crypt Keeper) got his first shot of directing with this film, and became so ashamed he removed his name from it. Doug Bradley has more screen time, which may be out of character, but as he was one of the few things that really made this worth watching, I don't mind it.

So, while it's not all the movie's fault, what we got is what we got. And what we got ain't great. This was the last Hellraiser film to go to theaters and one can't really wonder why. It was all straight-to-DVD from here, and all those sequels, in my humble opinion, actually surpassed this. Still, Doug Bradley always brings a firm sophistication to Pinhead.

Review: Martin

2009-10-01T17:05:00.000-07:00

8/10

Starring: John Amplas, Lincoln Maazel, Christine Forest. Written and Directed by George A. Romero.

So, here we have one of the most innovative and influential takes on the vampire genre ever made. George A. Romero created the zombie film in 1968 with Night of the Living Dead. Here, he works a similar effect on the vampire move, taking the idea and completely spinning it on its head. The story deals with a young man who may or may not be a vampire. He goes to live with his uncle, who believes he is such beyond any doubt, but Martin throws the superstitions in his face, insisting that "there's no real magic. There's no real magic ever."

Yet still he has vampiric tendencies that are clear from the first scene of the film, in which we see him drug a woman on a train and extract some of her blood, as he has no fangs. He cannot change into a bat, he possesses no supernatural gifts or, for that matter, limitations. Yet still he believes what his uncle tells him, an idea that has been forced upon him, that he is indeed an 84 year-old vampire. In the end, the choice is ours to make, though we can more easily side with the obvious, that Martin is a poor, disturbed young man who has a need for blood.

The one thing abundantly clear throughout the whole film is that Martin does not want to do what he does. But he has to, or he believes he has to. Either way, the idea of stopping it is completely beyond his control. Overall, this is a near-masterpiece of film. One of Romero's best, saying a lot coming from the director of Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Creepshow. The plot and themes are superb, the acting and story are chilling, and the overall film is essential. It is a genre-bending, thought-provoking horror film.

Night of the Living Dead: Origins casting news

2009-09-28T16:53:00.000-07:00

It seems Night of the Living Dead has yet another redux on the way. This will be the third attempt at a remake of the classic, though it looks to be more of a prequel than anything. The other two remakes ranged from great (Night of the Living Dead 1990) to awful (Night of the Living Dead 3D) though this one looks to be shaping up nicely. The film has been described as a 3D CGI "American Anime".

As of now, the film stars Danielle Harris as Barbara, Joe Pilato as Cooper, with Mos Def currently in talks to play Ben. So, in short, casting is currently epic. The film itself could still go either way. Interested to see how this develops.

Nightmare on Elm Street Trailer is Now Online!

2009-09-28T12:32:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like all our waiting has paid off, as the trailer for Platinum Dunes' A Nightmare on Elm Street is online as of midnight.

The Captain's Thoughts: My anticipation with this film continues to grow. The first image and poster were great, the trailer is damn near everything I wanted it to be. Jackie Earle Hayley keeps proving himself as the right guy for the job and this pretty much sets it in stone. We see shots of a scary, shadowed Freddy, some nice homages to the original film, and some beautiful nightmare imagery. The trailer's opening shot is interesting, and the film seems to be trying a new take on the Krueger mythos with adding a "did he/didn't he do it" mentality to the film. As in: was Krueger a monster before the fire, or was he made that way by what was done to him, and does it matter in the end? All intriguing. Now, for the look of the monster. This is most definitely Freddy Krueger. All the elements are there and striking images. But, this is Jackie Earle Hayley's Krueger, not Robert Englund's, and the differences are there and noticeable. They reached the perfect balance of new/old.

If the trailer is any indication, this should shape up to be one of the best horror films of 2010. You can view it here: http: http://www.myspace.com/trailerpark

Daily Cheesy Horror Trailer: The Prowler

2009-09-17T16:28:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiwvv8eMf8s

Daily Cheesy Horror Trailer: Motel Hell

2009-09-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4AR3BgaCdA&feature=related

Hidden Gem: Waxwork (1988)

2009-09-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

Trying another new segment here. This is for severely overlooked horror films, even by fan standards.

Now, there were certainly some gems in the late 80's, that's for sure. They ranged from the outrageously cheesy (Night of the Demons) to the fantastic (The Serpent and the Rainbow), but if there was one overlooked camp classic to sneak in at the end of the decade, Waxwork is in my eyes most assuredly it.

The film is directed by Anthony Hicox, who would go on to direct Waxwork II: Lost in Time and Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth. It stars Zach Galligan (Gremlins 1&2), Deborah Foreman (April Fool's Day), John Rhys-Davies (Lord of the Rings, Raiders of the Lost Ark) and the always epic David Warner (In the Mouth of Madness, TRON, The Omen).

The focus of the movie is, obviously, a Waxwork. But whereas I went in expecting another ol' dip the bodies in wax to hide them type of movie, I was pleasantly surprised to find a rather awesome new take. This is a campy supernatural film, and the true plot is that the owner of the Waxwork wants to unleash hell on earth by offering up victims to his horror-themed wax exhibits. When the people step through the exhibit, they step into the world inhabited by that specific character. Dracula's victim finds herself in a castle, the werewolf's victim in a forest, etc. Now, one would think this would shift to play like an anthology film, but the plot remains surprisingly coherent throughout.

The plot point that sealed the deal for me, however, was the one spot where the film truly rose above just being a campy 80's monster movie. The heroine, Sara, is very sexually repressed and instead of having her simply do battle with a burly monster at the end, Hicox instead explores the theme throughout. Sara clearly has desires of her own. Desires that may even go a step further than what her friends are doing. For example, the wax figure that captivates her most is not The Count, nor Frankenstein's Monster, nor the Phantom of the Opera... it's the Marquis de Sade. A figure she nearly seems to idolize... until she meets him face to face.

Of course, any 1980's monster pic depends heavily on its gore and effects, and this film has these by the buckets. The special effects are done by Bob Keene, the genius who worked on the early Hellraiser films.

So, while Waxwork may not take its spot amongst the classics, it does explore some interesting themes when it wants to. What can truly be expected here is simply good, clean, messy fun. It is, just as the tagline reads, "more fun than a barrel of mummies."

Daily Cheesey Horror Trailer: Basket Case (1982)

2009-09-11T21:20:00.000-07:00

New segment I'm trying here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uQj7j8yG6A&feature=related

Review: Halloween II (2009)

2009-08-31T18:50:00.000-07:00

7/10

Starring: Scout Taylor-Compton, Danielle Harris, Malcolm McDowell, Brad Dourif and Tyler Mane

This film has, as expected, already begun to take a beating as it is a sequel to Rob Zombie's Halloween, which opened to some pretty good reviews but was savagely received by fans who were expecting more of the same.

Rob Zombie's film is different for the Halloween series. It does not destroy the original classic and it would have to try hard to be as bad as Halloween III. Now, to get on to the film itself. As you can see, I was a fan of Zombie's Halloween remake. Here, I was equally impressed. With this film, there were no more boundaries, as Zombie made all the characters his own at the end of the first. This is Rob Zombie's Halloween II and he's free to do whatever he wants with it. Luckily, the directions he takes it in are pretty damn interesting.

This film is well-written and every character has something to do. It's a psychological movie and Zombie goes into depths exploring how each character from the first is dealing with the events, and no two are going about it the same way. Annie (Danielle Harris) has become a recluse unable to leave the house, Loomis (Malcolm McDowell) has become a shadow of himself, almost a joke, totally ignoring the events to surpress whatever guilt he feels. Sheriff Brackett (Brad Dourif) is totally devoted to his job, coming much closer to filling Loomis' normal role in a Halloween film.

Obviously, the focus of the film is Michael and Laurie, and it is portrayed in a way that feels real. A question constantly raised throughout the film is whether or not Laurie (obviously the most traumatized - especially when she discovers she's Myers' sister) will be gripped by her brother's madness. We get keen looks into Michael's head as well as Laurie's, their very similar dreams and visions. And Michael, now a bearded vagrant, even gets some fun ground to play with in realizations that he has to put the mask on to kill and that in his visions, he speaks through his childhood persona.

Overall, another enjoyable effort by Zombie and a worthy entry in the (now 31 year) Halloween saga.

Posters Unveiled

2009-07-22T22:21:00.000-07:00

The first posters for A Nightmare on Elm Street, Puppet Master: Axis of Evil and Scream 4 have been unveiled. While Scream 4 is simply a logo, I am so digging the other two. One, this is the only time a Puppet Master film has been hyped up enough to even warrant a poster, so here's that.

As a lifelong fan of the indy series, I cannot wait for January.

And then there's this guy. Nightmare news has been pouring in all day, with the first image only this morning. And it has kept on winning me over. This still doesn't show a whole lot, but I like what we see. We get a good look at the glove, for one thing, and some of the scarring. All the elements of Freddy are still there. Loving this so far, can't wait to see what else is in store.

And the Scream 4 logo. Well, I don't know how to feel about this. One, I can't vouch for whether or not it's real. If it isn't, then I'm a silly fool. If it is real, then that means the project is finally getting off the ground.

Are You Ready for Freddy?

2009-07-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

Here it is, folks! Your first look at Freddy in Platinum Dunes' A Nightmare on Elm Street, from the people over at Bloody-Disgusting.

I, personally, love the shot. I know you can't see much, but I definitely see the presence of Freddy here. The tone is fantastic too. Very, very dark. And it definitely seems a return to original form for Krueger, as promised.

And Freddy fever continues, as Brad Fuller reveals ANOTHER shot of Freddy will be revealed this afternoon on IGN!

The Way of the Future: A Look at the Most Intriguing Upcoming Horror Films

2009-07-21T21:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been on a kick looking at upcoming movies, some looking good and some looking bad... so here are a few select picks I've decided to share with you.

H2: Halloween II- Well, this one's only a month away and I'm devilishly excited, so I'll start with this. Rob Zombie's Halloween was good, I liked it. My further thoughts on it are in the Halloween Retrospective post. He brought a new flair and energy to the project that was his own, yet was limited in remaking the original film as well. Now, he isn't. He's free to do his own thing, and everything I've seen so far looks bizarre, disturbing, and tells me I'm in for an experience unlike any other Halloween film.

Jennifer's Body- Megan Fox is hot. It hurts to join the masses, it hurts to go this low, but I will admit it. Yes, she looks like she belongs in porn. But now she's in a horror film, so she's halfway there already. But, to be Mr. Respectable here, I'll say that what I am looking forward to is that it's written by Diablo Cody. I thought her script for Juno was wonderful, and anyone who goes straight from winning an Academy Award to doing a horror movie is OK by me. Third, the plot sounds fantastic, especially with the other two factors. Megan Fox is a cheerleader who becomes possessed and starts killing and eating her male classmates. That seems to be it, but I'm down either way.

Zombieland- Okay, how awesome does this movie look? I figured it for another run of the mill flesheating fest, which would still have won with me. But after viewing the trailer, I am so freaking excited for this movie. Essentially, it stars Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg as two brothers who kill zombies, in a world where the zombies are pretty much winning.

Daybreakers- It's set in a world where the vampire population heavily outweighs the human population, which officially makes it probably the closest we will ever get to seeing Richard Matheson's novel "I am Legend" truly adapted to the screen. And no, it's not based on it, but technically neither were the three films that were. Also, what could be better than Sam Neill as a vampire? Actually, the answer is Willem Defoe as a vampire hunter.

The Wolf Man- A remake of the classic 1940's Universal Horror Film starring Benicio del Toro, Anthony Hopkins, and Hugo Weaving. Isn't that all I need to say? I've heard scarily few things as of late, but I assume it's still scheduled for November.

A Nightmare on Elm Street- Um, check below to hear me drool over this one.

Piranha 3D- dude, it's piranhas. In 3D. And Elisabeth Shue. in 3D. Not only that, but it's from the director of the super-awesome High Tension, and the... above mediocre Hills Have Eyes remake. And it's about piranhas. In 3D.

New Freddy To Be Revealed Tomorrow?

2009-07-21T21:28:00.000-07:00

According to producer Brad Fuller, the first image of Jackie Earle Hayley as Freddy Krueger will (finally) be revealed at 10am pacific time tomorrow.

I, for one, anxiously await this remake. Having met Robert Englund and heard him give his full blessings to Haley, I accept someone new taking up the mantle. I also think that if anyone is up to the job, it's Jackie Earle Hayley. He is the kind of actor that can totally immerse himself in a role, and that's exactly what this calls for. Also, his performance in Watchmen was frightening, jaw-dropping and Oscar worthy (he already has one nomination to his credit, for the record).

This new Krueger is said to return to the heyday of the first three films (and to an extent, I suppose, New Nightmare) with a darker, frightening Freddy. A true bogeyman. Haley is reportedly so intense in the role that he made co-star Rooney Mara (Nancy) cry, resulting in many extra takes that were probably worth it in the long run.

The film is directed by Samuel Bayer (his feature film debut) and hits theaters on April 16, 2010

Crimson King: Stephen King's 10 Best Antagonists

2009-06-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

He's the King of horror for a reason, and though not everything in his massive body of work is a masterpiece, when it is, it is. So, we'll take a look at the darkest, baddest characters the King holds to his credit.

10. Jack Torrance (The Shining)- What's scarier than having an antagonist hiding in the shadows is realizing piece by piece that he's standing right in front of us. Jack is driven slowly insane by the Overlook Hotel throughout the story, in a cold isolated hotel with only his wife and son. While the book and movie are very different, and each goes about Jack's madness in their own way, both are very well-executed.

9. Blaine (The Dark Tower)- The insane, suicidal, riddle-loving monorail from The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands and The Dark Tower IV: Wizard and Glass. In short, he is just one disturbed, crazy motherfucker even if he is only a programmed talking monorail. He's the literal crazy train. Blaine wants to die and wants to take our heroes down with him, as well as destroy an entire city. While the city cannot be saved, his game of riddle telling with the heroes makes for nail biting reading.

8. Christine- The touching story of a boy and his first car. One messed up romance, and a really unhealthy relationship. Christine will let nothing come between her and Archie Cunningham, her owner/lover. She is a vengeful 1958 Plymouth Fury, and the name is far too appropriate, as this is one crazy furious bitch. Also, this car is pretty much indestructible. One hell of an entertaining, obscurely creepy read, and John Carpenter's film is overlooked.

7. Carrie White- Carrie is a completely sympathetic character. High School is hell for her and things just don't seem to go well for her at all. We want her to be okay. We want her mother to accept her, we want the boy to like her for real, we want to be prom queen. But this is a high school fairy tale in which NONE of these things come true. What were left with is a girl now controlled by the one aspect of herself she actually tried to hide. After the prank at prom, Carrie's uses her telekinesis to destroy everyone and everything around her, and our sympathetic heroine is barely even human anymore. In all honesty, the true villain of the piece is the mother, but Carrie is one who kills hundreds of people, and the image of her in her blood stained prom dress has become iconic.

6. The Crimson King (The Dark Tower)- The overbearing antagonist of the Dark Tower series comes in late in the game. The Crimson King is not so much as scary as his lead henchman (we'll get to that dark man later) nor as his ambitious goal. He wishes to bring about the true destruction of everything. Not just the world, not just the universe, but every world in every universe. True ultimate destruction.

5. Pet Sematary- The MicMac Burial Ground is the subtlest of evils. We don't understand what happens here, not really, but we see the product and it is frightening. One of King's most disturbing books, one of his most successfully horrifying films. What we know about this place is what we hear through old-timer Judd Crandall. And we know it is bad. The message "sometimes dead is better" gets clearer and clearer as the story goes on.

4. Mr. Barlowe ('Salem's Lot)- The master vampire of King's smalltown horror, which he once claimed to be his scariest book. And it's definitely one of them, if not the top spot. Salem's Lot is half homage to Stoker's Dracula, half smalltown creeping horror. He spreads his evil through the town and these, lemme tell you, are NOT your metro Anne Rice or sparkly Twilight vampires.

3. Annie Wilkes (Misery)- Every celebrity's worst nightmare... the ultimate fan. She starts off so nice, a kindly, portly woman taking in a writer after an accident and insisting that she's his biggest fan. But when she keeps the writer captive, we see how insane she really is. Kathy Bates performance as the chilling character earned her a well deserved Academy Award.

2. Pennywise (It)- A cosmic entity with a hunger for all life, but especially prays on children, it see into the deepest parts of your soul and take the form of everything you were ever afraid of. And it's favorite form to appear in is a clown. With this character, King personified fear and dread itself in one eccentric, laughing monster. One of the scariest creations in all of literature.

1. Randall Flagg (The Dark Tower, The Stand, The Eyes of the Dragon)- The walking dude, the dark man, he goes by many names and can appear in any King work ...if he hasn't appeared already. He IS King's villain. Whether he be the ultimate embodiment of charismatic evil (as in The Stand) or a crazed, power-hungry sorcerer (The Eyes of the Dragon), or in King's epic masterwork, The Dark Tower, both. He is beyond psychotic, both evil and likable, and bears many similarities to the Devil Himself. The impact he has had on King's writing is profound (not without a sense of irony for a Dark Tower reader) and there could be no other top spot than this.

"You Can't Kill the Bogeyman": 31 Years of Halloween

2009-06-09T23:15:00.000-07:00

Following on my Friday the 13th and my A Nightmare on Elm Street retrospectives, I decided to continue with a feature looking back on the Halloween series, tracing it back from John Carpenter's original masterpiece and Rob Zombie's above-average remake, and all the varied ground in between. There's nine films to cover (a tenth on the way this August) so we better get a move on, eh?

1) Halloween (1978)- Is there even any doubt? This is not only by far the best of the series, but simply one of the best horror movies ever filmed. From the intelligently simplistic story to the realistic characters, dead-on cinematography and absolutely perfect score, Halloween is a horror film if there ever was one. It tells like an urban legend (maniac escapes institution returns to hometown, stalking a core group of babysitters) set in an area so real and quaint it could be any town. It's cold, simple death infecting peaceful everyday life. It is the American horror story. Michael Myers is one of the most chilling villains ever put to film. A silent, slow, faceless killer, he is the embodiment of death itself. Jaime Lee Curtis makes an astounding debut as heroine Laurie. Donald Pleasance is perfect as Dr. Loomis, the Ahab (or Van Helsing) hunting down a monster capable of more than even he can imagine.

2) Halloween II- If a sequel had to be made, this is how to do it. Halloween was a perfect film unto itself. While the ending (Michael is shot off a porch, they look down, he's gone) was meant to simply bear the message that evil never dies, it is understandable how the general public saw it as implying a sequel. Either way, the original certainly made the money to warrant one, so it was put in motion. Picking up immediately where the original left off, Halloween II is also completely set on the same night. Both Donald Pleasance and Jaime Lee Curtis (who had already established herself as the first true "scream queen" since the Hammer era) reprise their roles. The sequel sees Laurie being taken off to the hospital while Michael continues his pursuit of her and Loomis makes a shocking discovery about the girl and the maniac. This sequel reveals that Laurie is Michael's younger sister (his elder sister, Judith, was his first victim when he was six years old). While the original film worked without the notion, it's a good twist in terms of a series. The body count is higher this time, the nudity more gratuitous, and the gore is present, but the story is not lost (original scripters John Carpenter and Debra Hill return).

3. Halloween H20: 20 Years Later- After become a scream queen in the early '80's (doing such films as Prom Night and Terror Train) Jaime Lee Curtis actually went on to become a very successful, acclaimed actress, so the series continued without her. On the twentieth anniversary of the original Halloween, however, Curtis decided to pay her respects by reprising the role of Laurie for this inventive sequel. This film ignores everything after part 2 (mind you, this is the seventh entry) but that's not necessarily a bad thing as Laurie wasn't even involved with those. Instead, this is about a woman trying to cope with her past when it literally comes back to haunt her, and she realizes that the only way to conquer her demon is to face it a final time. This was a film made for the fans, Curtis is great as always, and the only complaint is that it is meant to be a final film and ends on such a high note, but it is not the final film. Halloween: Resurrection followed before the remake.

4. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers- After Halloween II, Carpenter and crew felt they had told the Myers story. So, they decided on something new. How about a completely unrelated movie with nothing to do with the first two other than being set on Halloween and it's about an old guy trying to destroy the world with masks that make kid's heads blow up and I'm pretty sure there were robots. Well, that's exactly what Halloween III: Season of the Witch was. Scroll down to the bottom to see how well that worked out. Long story short, Halloween III was not met with universal acclaim. So, it was time to bring back Myers. Hence the title, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. So, Michael's been in a coma since he got torched at the end of 2. Loomis survived the fire. Laurie was apparently killed in a car crash, but H20 later reveals she faked her death. This time, Michael's target on his return trip to Haddonfield is his eight year old niece, Jaime (Danielle Harris). This film plays a lot like an '80's horror movie, but it is definitely a worthy sequel.

5. Rob Zombie's Halloween (2007)- Rob Zombie's remake is a unique and surprisingly good adaption of the original material. It is, essentially, a completely different way of telling the same story. While the original was scary because the killer was unknown and faceless, this movie is scary because it gives Myers a face, it feels real. Myers is a psychopath whose inner rage was unleashed in the midst of an awful childhood, events he had no control over, but did not help his development. Malcolm MacDowell (of A Clockwork Orange) plays Loomis very well, but even he, a superb actor, could not hold a candle to Donald Pleasance. Scout Taylor-Compton is genuine and sympathetic as the new Laurie. Danielle Harris (of Halloween 4 and 5) is all grown up (interpret how you please) as Laurie's friend Annie and also does a very good job. Many other genre vets make appearances, most notably Brad Dourif (voice of Chucky in the Child's Play series) as the new sheriff, but none of the new, compelling story is sacrificed. Zombie did a good job with this, overall. While it obviously is not and could never be the original, it does definitely hold its own.

6. Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers- The sixth film in the series also marks the last film to feature Donald Pleasance as Dr. Loomis (he died in post-production). This film has a very intriguing premise, but the story becomes muddled and overdeveloped. The producer's cut (unreleased to this day, but can be found online) is a much, much better and more coherent version of the film. Still, the main idea behind this film is to give origin to a character who was never supposed to have one. Tommy Doyle, one of the children Laurie babysat that fateful Halloween night in 1978 is all grown up (played by Paul Rudd, who would go on to star in comedy hits such as I Love You Man, Knocked Up, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Anchorman) and believes Michael is preparing to return to Haddonfield, and has come into possession of the last of Michael's bloodline-- Jaime's baby. After killing said niece, but not finding the baby, Michael returns to town. Tommy and Loomis try to warn the family now living in the Myers house of the danger that surrounds them, but there is something else watching and waiting. A mysterious group called the Cult of Thorn that bears the secrets to Michael's supernatural origin.

7. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers- This was released and set one year after 4, with Danielle Harris returning as young Jaime running from her maniacal uncle. It just plays like a simplistic slasher film, not much story other than the bizarre link between Jaime and Michael that unsuccessfully tries to explain why Jaime stabbed her mother to death in the end of Halloween 4, but is fine now. One of the teenage victims, Tina, is so mind numbingly annoying that one cannot help but pray for her death the moment she steps on screen. Even Donald Pleasance looks like he's starting to get tired, which is a sad thing to see. Also, what the fuck. The Myers house is now suddenly a blue Victorian mansion instead of a simple white house. They didn't even try to have it look the same.

8. Halloween: Resurrection- Interestingly, the director of the the best Halloween sequel returns for the worst (Halloween III, which we'll get to in a minute, folks, pretty much doesn't count). Jaime Lee Curtis returns for an interesting opening scene which sees her character get killed off. While I guess this has a nice message of "the past always catches up with you" the fact of the matter is, Jaime was what sold the tickets, she died in the opening scene, this film could only go down from here. And oh, does it. How low, you might ask? How's about Busta Rhymes in a Michael Myers outfit and mask, telling the real Michael Myers, "I ain't playin' you to be Michael Myers! I'm Michael Myers, bitch!" and then informing him to get his ass back to the garage. Oh, and that dude from American Pie gets his throat slit.

9. Halloween III: Season of the Witch-................................... What. The. Fuck.

Just....

(sigh) what the fuck.

I mean, exploding masks? Really? I'm just, I mean, the only thing I learned from this film? Six more days til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Six more days till Halloween, Silver Shamrock! Imagine that commercial playing every fifteen minutes along with the "plot" I listed above, and you have this film. Not a Halloween film, not connected in any way shape or form, it just adds insult to injury that it's not a good horror film on its own.

Review: Nightbreed

2009-06-08T18:17:00.000-07:00

8/10

Following the obvious success of Hellraiser and Hellbound: Hellraiser II Clive Barker brought audiences a very different film with his second feature as director, Nightbreed. Based on his novella, Cabal, Nightbreed is a unique, interesting and underrated film.

The late 1980's saw the rise of the modern horror franchise. Movie monsters like Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees had become heroes of sorts. The audience went to see them do what they do. Clive's own Hellraiser (and later Candyman) had already begun heading in this direction. Nightbreed, however, does things differently. In Nightbreed, the monsters literally are the heroes.

There are some very fantastic, very imaginative creatures on display in Nightbreed. Truly striking visual designs, but with a master at the helm, there is obviously far more to the film than that. This film plays brilliantly with the established connections of "good" and "evil". In Nightbreed, the more monstrous looking characters are generally the most innocent and kindhearted. Generally. But there are humans in this film capable of far worse than many of the Nightbreed.

The film focuses on a man named Boone (Craig Scheffer) who dreams of a mysterious land called Midian. He knows nothing of this place, only that he has to find it. But, it confuses him, leading him to doubt himself. His psychiatrist, Decker (played brilliantly by astounding director David Cronenberg) has him convinced that he has committed horrific murders, that he is losing his mind. In reality, Decker himself is the killer, also pursuing Midian. As the film goes on, Boone is shot down by the police. His pursuit continues, eventually finding Midian and the creatures (called Nightbreed) that inhabit it. He is their leader. He is Cabal. Essentially, the police catch up and find Midian out, leading to a sort of war between the humans and the "freaks".

Nightbreed is a truly imaginative, completely original film, at times incredibly frightening (thank you, David Cronenberg). The human characters can become incredibly vicious, in particular the sheriff and Decker, who believes he is cleansing the world by removing the physically abnormal. The Nightbreed often look nightmarish, but the audience can much more easily connect with them. This is in part due to the fantastic visual/make up effects and obviously due to the writing and directing of Clive Barker. Doug Bradley is also noticeable in a non-Pinhead role.

Terror Overseas: Best Non-American Horror Movies

2009-05-03T20:27:00.000-07:00

Yes, there are movies outside the US. No, they don't all speak "American". But some of them get away with a lot more than we can do over here, and a lot are more worthwhile than most of what gets released in our neck of the woods (maybe not all, but a fair amount) and many are inspiration for a lot of American horror movies and/or styles. Basically, foreign horror is often overlooked as it is, well, foreign. So sit down and let the Captain teach you a lesson in the many languages (or accents) of splatter.

Japan: Yes, we need to start with Japan. You don't even know scary until you've given Japan a good look (just see that Schwarzenegger commercial and you'll know what I'm talking about). Many have called Japan the birthplace of fear, so it gets its own section in this post.

Now, with that little note out of the way, let's get going and check out some of the best horror movies from around the globe:

Audition (Japan)- Jaw droppingly visceral and layers upon layers of frightening. This movie is so scary because it starts so peaceful. A man has lost his wife and is ready to move on, but he is nervous about meeting new people. So he and his friend host a fake movie audition so he can get to know new women. He meets the cutest, most innocent girl you've ever seen.... until you see that she isn't. From the point where we, the audience, figure out some of her habits, the movie dives into terror and does not let up for a moment.

Suspiria (Italy)- Perhaps the single most beautifully shot horror movie of all time, it earned director Dario Argento the title of master of horror, one he proudly holds to this day. The film really is fine art. It's powerful, it's beautiful, it's visceral, it is horror movie boiled down to everything that makes a horror movie, each singular aspect honed to perfection. Oop. I think there was drool there. Yeah, just see the movie.

The Descent (Scotland)- Neill Marshall proved himself as a first time director with Dog Soldiers (a very inventive and surprisingly good werewolf flick) but he became one of the greats with this outstanding horror film. The plot is simple, but the characters are real and human. Marshall's all female cast seems a risky idea, but it is done perfectly and seems quite natural. The creatures are never explained, and they don't need to be, they just are. The setting is also brilliant, and the fact that the film is set almost entirely in darkness really adds to the tension. Speaking of which...

High Tension (France)- Goddamn Sweet Jesusy Holy Shitting Brilliant. Unable to write full synopsis due to overload of awesome. Let's just say that it's powerful, character driven, unrelentingly violent and superbly written, a throwback to '70's revenge cinema. But above all, it's very, very angry.

Shaun of the Dead (UK)- What was expected to be a usual spoof was actually an amazingly well done, heartfelt homage to the heyday of George Romero. The comedy is not forced, and comes strictly out of the characters, and it is by no means an emotionless movie. Truly fantastic, and best summed up by its tagline: A romantic comedy. With Zombies.

Cannibal Holocaust (Italy)- Quite possibly the most disturbing film ever made. The violence is balanced by the statement the film is trying to make, but if you're interested in watching this one, consider yourself warned. This is not a friendly movie, this does not hold back at any point, but it is undeniably intelligent. It goes to lengths few films dare to, and says what it needs to say by any means necessary.

Zombie (Italy)-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfcHg7XLPSw&feature=PlayList&p=1BF2BA2D42831056&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=10

Yup.

The Devil's Backbone (Spain)- One of the scariest movies. Ever. Guillermo del Toro (brilliant director of Pan's Labyrinth) creates one of the most disturbing, well-paced and all around frightening ghost stories ever with this film, set against the equally disturbing backdrop of the Spanish Civil War.

Battle Royale (Japan)- What'd I say about Japan. This is not only a great horror movie, it may be one of the best movies ever made. There were attempts to ban it in many countries, including ours, but the film can still be seen. The plot is simple, and even the general idea is unnerving. A class of junior high students are sent to a desert island without their knowledge or consent, and forced to kill each other until only one remains. Friends, enemies, acquaintances, lovers... if you want to survive, you have to kill them all. What's scarier than that? How about the one guy who signed up for fun.

Nekromantik (Germany)- So grotesquely obscene, you'll either laugh or cry, but most likely you'll do both. For hours. Then you will froth at the mouth. There will possibly be some skin irritation and then you may find yourself wanting to paint clowns. That should wear off in a day or two...

Boy Eats Girl (Ireland)- It's kinda like if Shaun of the Dead were set in high school and written by someone with blatant mother issues. See the movie and you'll see what I mean.

28 Days Later- Best horror movie of the decade, so says the captain. Smart, deep, existential, human, full of emotion (rage in particular) it is the ultimate statement of humans destroying each other, and people clinging to each other when there's nothing left in the world to cling to.

"Nine, Ten, Never Sleep Again": 25 Years of A Nightmare on Elm Street

2009-04-21T16:52:00.000-07:00

As the series is in its twenty-fifth year, and with the remake fast approaching, I thought it would be the appropriate time to look back on one of the most famous and influential series in horror history. In just over two decades, Freddy Krueger has become on of the biggest, most infamous monsters of the movies. Every kid knows his name, he's swiftly becoming one of the classics, and will no doubt soon be seen along the lines of Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolf Man, etc. I think the idea of a remake only grounds the character as one that has begun to transcend series (like Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th). Except, Freddy has already transcended his own series quite literally in Wes Craven's New Nightmare.

Anyway, I thought we would take this time to look back on some of the best and worst moments of the series, with my ranking of the series from best to worst.

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street- One of the most powerful, shocking, and thoroughly original horror films of all time. Despite the low budget, it still holds up today. Wes Craven's original film was inspired by a mixture of folklore and newspaper articles, particularly articles based on children dying horribly in their sleep. With these he shaped a story with heartfelt, real characters, a heroine that was actually strong, and one of the most frightening bogeymen ever to appear on film.

2. Wes Craven's New Nightmare- Words cannot quite describe this film. The genius in it and behind it is simply breathtaking. It is easily one of the top ten, maybe top five, horror movies of the 1990's. Technically, this is not part of the series. Instead, it is more a companion piece to the original. In which Freddy transcends the films now that the stories have stopped, and haunts the cast and crew of the original film, in particular Heather Langenkamp (who played the heroine Nancy). The idea behind it is that this movie was the only way to actually stop Freddy, that to lay the demon to rest they had to let the story continue, so in a way the film is a part of the film. And it's when you hit that millisecond of "I wonder, could it really have...", that's when you see the sheer genius of the movie.

3. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors- A true standout gem of the series, also one of the most entertaining horror movies of the 1980's. It wisely ignores part 2 completely, focusing itself as a direct sequel to the original. Here, the last remaining children of the parents that initially killed Freddy have been taken to a psychiatric hospital where Nancy (Langenkamp) now works. Freddy is at his most dark and malicious in this film, picking off the kids (kids we truly can care about here) in the most inventive ways yet. The series is known for having transitioned from the darker Freddy of 1 and 2 to the more comic Freddy of 4, 5, 6. This is the transition film, and there is a perfect balance here: a dark, sadistic bastard who has a well-rounded sense of humor.

4. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master- This direct follow up to part 3 is fairly underrated, though it certainly lacks the charm of its predecessor. There are some inventive kills though, and some returning characters (even if they're the first to go), and the series has had worse scripts. Also, Englund is still ghoulishly entertaining. but there are moments, such as when a character wakes up in the hospital and sees one of the doctors to be Freddy, so he screams his name as Freddy replies "Well I ain't Dr. Seuss," moments that show the face of things to come.

5. Freddy vs Jason- It is what it is. What it is is basically a Nightmare on Elm Street story with Jason Voorhees wrapped around it like delicious bacon. Jason Voorhees, like bacon, would probably go well with everything if people were just willing to try. Anyway, the film harkens back to the oldstanding tradition of monster match-ups. Having seen some of the unused scripts, it could have been MUCH worse. Freddy is trying to return to the original dark, sadistic humor of parts 1 and 3 here, and essentially succeeds, but some of the original charm just feels gone.

6. Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare- Sure, it should probably rank last, but it doesn't. It gets into the character's backstory in a way that doesn't suck and essentially it does end the series, so points for that. Yes, Freddy is over-the-top and played for laughs, but I don't think the film takes itself too seriously, so at least it's entertaining.

7. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child- I just don't know what the hell to make of this movie. Not only is Freddy over the top and goofy, but he's bordering on uninteresting. Also, the film tries to play itself as dark and gloomy, and is visually interesting, but the way Freddy is done does not match the tone at all. Also, the script is not the most coherent of the bunch.

8. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge- I don't know what "revenge" Freddy's taking here, unless it's on heterosexuality. To put it as bluntly as possible, this is a very gay movie. And I mean gay in the homosexual sense. It is now infamous for its homoerotic undertones, and while such a film may easily have worked on its own, that is very far from my issue with this film in particular. The undertones in this are overtly silly in places, in others they're admittedly genius. But this doesn't feel like a Nightmare on Elm Street movie at all. In fact, its pretty much a different movie altogether. The original film is mentioned in passing, Freddy is completely out of character as a demon trying to, ahem, get into the male character's body. The boy (Jesse) sleepwalks into an S&M bar where Freddy (reduced to no more than Jesse's latent homosexuality) guides him to be picked up by his gym coach, who Freddy strips naked and whips to death. when the boy seeks help at his scantily clad jock best friend's house, Freddy "pops up" and kills him too. And Freddy dies by being kissed by a girl. Not subtle by any means. But it's the lack of actual nightmaring that make this admittedly interesting horror entry too far apart from the rest of the series to rank any higher.

Review: The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting

2009-03-27T21:57:00.000-07:00

Starring Kari Wuhrer, Jake Busey, and C. Thomas Howell. Directed by Louis Morneau.

2/10

The Hitcher was one of the most shocking suspense movies ever made (see my review for more on that). Apparently, this was the best they could do to honor it. The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting is a 2003 (that's seventeen years, folks), straight-to-video follow up to the 1986 classic. What we have here is essentially a re-hash of the original, without any of the substance that made the original great. There aren't characters we can cheer for, there's no one to root for. Probably the only thing keeping this from a 1/10 is the fact that C. Thomas Howell had the balls to reprise his original role.

All these years after the original, Jim Halsey (Howell) is still haunted by what he went through. He's now a cop, with a bad habit of shooting the bad guys before an arrest can even be attempted. Howell is hollow this time around, and no doubt meant to be, but whatever lure his character had is now gone, leaving no room for us to connect with him. After a clever and inventive opening scene, the whole film trumbles unmercifully downhill. Kari Wuhrer plays Jim's girlfriend, Maggie, who is convinced he needs a break from his work. So, the two plan a visit to Captain Esterige, the sheriff who helped Jim near the climax of the original film (different actor, and they don't try to hide it). So, of all the places to vacation, Jim decides it's time to put the past behind him and drive down that same stretch of road from the original film. Oops.

While her character doesn't suck at times, one can't help but think Maggie was added to the roster just so the writers could say "see! It's not exactly the same!" Anyway, the film REALLY starts to dive when we are introduced to Jack, our hitcher. The writers make no attempt to explain who Jack is or where he came from, and not in a good way. He clearly knows who Jim is, but explains nothing. The only thing that's hinted at is the possibility that he is the reincarnation (uh-huh) of the original's John Ryder, and that would be the biggest insult the first film could receive.

If you check my review of the original, I note more than once that Rutger Hauer in the original Hitcher is one of the most brutal, unforgiving and incredible madmen ever to appear on film. So this time, the hitcher is played by Jake Busey.... and yes, that would be Gary Busey's son. Busey's hitcher is written to emulate the original, but whereas Ryder was cold and determined, this hitcher is hammy and lame. Jake Busey is so over-the-top that one can't even begin to fear him, or even be mildly intimidated. He attempts to frame them in a shallow mockery of the original's plot, with an ending that (by being essentially the same) slaps the original's in the face.

The only real originality comes with Maggie. Jim is (mercifully) shot early in the film, making his girl the madman's target. It is she who must overcome all odds to beat the guy, who has no reason for doing this, and there's barely room for her character to grow, as she's kind of been a bitch the whole time. Almost embarassingly, the basis of this plot was borrowed for the 2007 remake of The Hitcher.

Just like the acting father-son duo of Gary & Jake, avoid this film at all costs. Curiosity drove me to check it out because the original was a masterpiece, but let me assure you, the only horror you'll find here is Busey, trumbling between normal Busey-crazy, and acting hitcher-crazy.

Review: Return of the Living Dead 3

2009-03-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

Starring Melinda Clarke, J. Trevor Edmund, and Sarah Douglas. Directed by Brian Yuzna.

7/10

Generally, the only way "difference" comes across in the zombie genre is the speed at which the monsters move. It's hard to craft a zombie movie that's different. And this movie, believe it or not, is one of the few to succeed. What does it have to do with the original Return of the Living Dead? Absolutely nothing, but neither did the second one (save for a short Tar-Man appearance). Despite it's title, the film certainly stands well enough on its own.

Director Brian Yuzna is no stranger to zombies. He produced one of the best, most original zombie movies (and horror comedies, for that matter) ever with Re-Animator, and he directed both its sequels. All three were tongue-in-cheek, humorous attempts, and it was reasonable to expect the same here, as Return of the Living Dead may be the ultimate horror comedy.

Instead, Yuzna delivered Return of the Living Dead 3: a serious, emotionally driven dark love story. While the film is plagued in early '90's low budget feel, it makes up for it with an intriguing story and surprisingly decent acting, not to mention the well-crafted effects.

As for the story. Kurt (Edmund) is the son of a military officer, which calls for them to move around a lot, but for once he's perfectly happy in the arms of his punk-goth girlfriend Julie (Clarke). He has no idea what his dad is doing for actual work, and doesn't care. Because for once, he's happy, fitting right at home in the "wrong crowd".

Well, it turns out what dad is doing is trying to control and produce zombies for the military. Obviously, indestructible undead soldiers would be the best kind to have on the battlefield. But his plans fall through (causing three casualties) and the father is taken off the project. When he informs Kurt they'll be moving yet again, the boy will hear none of it, and he and Julie take off. Now, there's the perfect opportunity here to turn both father and son into cliches, but the film surprisingly avoids the cliche at nearly every turn. Kurt's dad actually does only want him to be happy, and Kurt does momentarily find himself torn between the girl he loves and the father he respects.

The story picks up in full when the two lovers get in a motorcycle accident that breaks Julie's neck, killing her. Kurt sneaks into the military compound (as the two have done before) and resurrects Julie, foolishly thinking that everything is going to be okay. Of course, it isn't. This becomes obvious with each passing second, but both Kurt and Julie try to tell themselves that nothing has changed, and that everything is going to be just like it was. But Julie's cravings for flesh can't be ignored forever, and she's changing with each passing second.

The two come toe-to-toe with a gang and Julie gets her first taste of human meat, while Kurt has to begin to own up to the decision it could mean. As Julie learns that pain can provide release for the hunger, she shapes herself more and more into a sadomasochistic, Hellraiser-esque creature as the film progresses. The action does not make up most of the movie, but when it comes it does deliver. The acting, especially between Julie and Kurt, is convincing, and the "River Man" must be seen to be believed. The humor is sly, dark and much more subtle than previous entries. Overall, this is a well-crafted, almost touching zombie flick and probably one of the most original to come out of the genre, no small feat for a low budget '90's horror sequel.

Review: The Hitcher (1986)

2009-03-26T19:23:00.000-07:00

Starring C. Thomas Howell, Rutger Hauer, Jennifer Jason Leigh. Directed by Robert Harmon.

9/10.

"I want you to say four words. 'I. Want. To. Die.'"

Thus begins the horror in one of the most shocking and intense thrillers ever filmed. Jim Halsey(C. Thomas Howell) is an innocent, naive young man, but we barely take a moment to get to know him before he is (and we are) thrusted into the horror that only builds and builds with every scene until the film's end.

Mere minutes into the film, Halsey drives past a wrecked car with a man standing in the rain beside it. He stops, opens the door for the stranger and jokes, "my mother told me never to do this." It is at this point that we are introduced to John Ryder (Rutger Hauer), easily one of the most cold, calculated and chilling madmen in film history.

The two start chatting uneasily, but all attempts to make friends ends quickly as Ryder makes his motives clear. Halsey asks if he saw a man in the car, to which the answer is yes, and if the man would be alright. Ryder takes this opportunity to explain, "I cut off his legs. And his arms. And his head. And I'm going to do the same to you." This triggers a brief fight between the two as Halsey forces Ryder out of the car, and we begin to think we're safe.

But it is only a short time later that Halsey is passed by a family in a station wagon, happy, and he smiles too until he sees Ryder smiling back at him from the car's back seat. Despite Halsey's attempts to warn them, the family pushes on, and he later finds them dead. It becomes evident that Ryder is framing Halsey for his murders, but what's happening here is more than that. Ryder does not want to kill Halsey, he wants to make him into a killer.

Halsey soon meets up with a waitress named Nash (Jennifer Jason Leigh) who happens to think he is innocent, but even when things seem safe, the Hitcher is lurking in the background. Every time our hero sees an ounce of hope, Ryder comes out of nowhere to smash that hope, each time more brutally than the next. The film builds like this, perfectly, each scene more suspenseful than the last, until we reach our jaw-droppingly brutal, and almost beautiful, conclusion.

Well-written and directed, the acting and effects are top-notch, but what pushes this from being a great thriller to one of the best of all time is Rutger Hauer as the unforgivingly psychotic John Ryder.

"I'm not an asshole, I'm an actor": Best Horror Movie Victims

2009-03-25T23:34:00.000-07:00

10. Stooge (Night of the Demons)- So annoying, so obnoxious, so "oh, god when will he just die" that you just had to admire the pig-nosed bastard. He's so annoying that it's somewhere past annoying, in his own little world of douchebaggery. With such lines as "eat a bowl of fuck, I am here to party!" Stooge has found a special place (1988) in our hearts.

9. Jimbo and Ted (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter)- An 80's comedy duo second only to Bill and Ted. They were like characters stripped from the best of teen comedies and dropped into a Friday the 13th. They gave the film a charm it needed, as well as a heart, even if all they ever really did was bitch about how they never got laid, or if Ted's best advice to Jimbo (played by Crispin Glover, for the record) was telling him that his failed relationships were probably due to impotence. But it's not his fault. The computer don't lie.

8. Trash (Return of the Living Dead)- The beautiful Linnea Quigley in one of her most famous roles. An eerie goth obsessed with death, she dreams of being eaten alive and gets her ultimate wish not too long after we get ours.

7. Tina (Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers)- Is this a noteworthy film? Not exactly. But there has never been a character that screamed "kill me" more than this little wench. She is perhaps THE most annoying victim out of any horror film. Ever. and a result, one of the most worthy and relieving deaths ever.

6. Casey Becker (Scream)- Drew Barrymore appears in the opening scene of your movie, you expect her to be there for awhile. Well, that becomes a little less likely with each ring of the phone, but throughout the whole powerful opening scene she puts up one hell of a fight, and we almost think maybe she's made it. But instead, her parents find her body hanging from a tree, and the screaming begins.

5. Shelley (Friday the 13th Part 3)- One of the most relatable horror film characters for any horror fan. He can't get the girls, he doesn't have too many friends, his love of horror isn't shared by anyone close to him, he can't really stand up for himself, so he hides behind props, gags and make-up effects. He's the ultimate stereotypical fanboy, at least circa 1983, so it's only fitting that he is the one character to put the final puzzle piece together for one of cinema's most iconic monsters, as he is the one to give Jason Voorhees his iconic hockey mask.

4. Evil Ed (Fright Night)- See the "best screen vampires" list for the full description on this fan turned fang.

3. Meg Loughlin (The Girl Next Door)- Jaw-dropping, brutal, shocking, and more-or-less true. This is real American horror. Meg is one of our main protagonists, but she is tortured throughout the film by her own dispicable aunt, who later lets the neighborhood boys join in on the torment (including rape) that eventually leads to this twelve year old girl's death. A scene with a blowtorch is most disturbing.

2. Marion Crane (Psycho)- A beautiful, compelling protagonist, Marion has our undivided attention right down to the moment she is sliced to ribbons in the shower of room number 1 at the Bates Motel. The movie is classic, the scene is an eternal icon.

1. Lucy Westenra (Dracula)- No matter which adaption, even in the most loosely based, Lucy is the ultimate horror victim. She is a free-spirited, compelling character, and the "illness" that leads to her death sets up about half of the plot. She is the catalyst to bring in Dr. Abraham Van Helsing, Dracula's now-classic nemesis. She is a symbol of innocence, as all true victims are, and this makes her later transformation so much more terrifying. The story would not exist without her, or wouldn't have happened remotely the same, and very few horror victims (if any) can say the same.

Review: Alice, Sweet Alice

2009-03-25T22:51:00.000-07:00

Starring Linda Miller, Mildred Clinton, Paula Sheppard. Directed by Albert Sole.

8/10

Okay, so Alice, Sweet Alice has a kind of infamous history in the horror circuit. It started out as Communion, which it initially was screened as until the distributor dropped it and it was picked up by another and renamed. Then, it was re-cut and redistributed again, this time as Holy Terror. But Alice, Sweet Alice is the definitive title and version of this little known classic shocker. The film has garnered a bit of fame for its background, its subject matter, and for being Brooke Shields' first movie.

The film, shot in the summer of 1975 (long before the slasher genre took off with John Carpenter's masterpiece, Halloween), follows the sisters Alice and Karen (the young Brooke Shields). Karen is an angel in everyone's eyes, and can do no wrong, if only because her sister is vicious and vindictive. Alice teases her, abuses her communion veil and locks her in a building just to scare her.

On the day of her first communion, Karen is brutally murdered and all fingers are reasonably pointed to her sister, after Alice is found wearing Karen's veil to the alter. Everyone assumes the killer is Alice as the tension builds, and it keeps you guessing until the very end. The acting is impressive and the horror is well-paced. Originally, the film was reviled for being an apparent attack on the Catholic church, though director Albert Sole has said since that the church was merely the backdrop he wished to set his horror against. While it was initially met with mediocre praise, it has garnered more deserved respect in the decades since.

As many shocks as Psycho, as much religious commentary as The Exorcist, with as much atmosphere as The Haunting, there's no reason why this well-written, acted and directed genre masterpiece shouldn't be listed as a classic right beside all of the aforementioned.

Bear With Me Here: Best Dressed Horror Movie Monsters

2009-03-25T00:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, now Captain Cadaver isn't to keen on the fashion scene, but why not give it a look now? If you think this list is spawned out of awkward boredom, you are quite right. In fact, best not to say too much about this before we get rolling.

10. Blade (Puppet Master)- yeah, Wesley Snipes has quite a get-up too... but this psychotic little bastard is the face of Full Moon pictures, and an iconic horror in his own right. All the puppets are memorable, but Blade with his death-like face, in his fedora and trench coat is both the most menacing and stylish of the bunch.

9. Asami (Audition)- This asian shocker from brilliant director Takashi Miike is brutal, one of the best horrors out there, and this little lady is a huge reason why. She's cute, and innocent, and so kind... you know, right up until the point where she isn't. When we realize what our little lady is really like... our jaw is on the floor until the end of the movie. The straight dark hair, white dress, with the black leather apron over it. A powerful, powerful (not to mention haunting) image.

8. Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)- I'm talking the original here, if it needed saying. Something is just so perfect about the getup he wears here. There's the mask made of human skin, first of all. Then, there's the tucked in shirt and nice dark trousers. And the leather butcher's apron. And to top it all off? What, you say, is the cherry on top of this very original horror getup. For Captain Cadaver, it is the tie. He may be a mentally challenged cannibalistic butcher, but there's something so classy and humble about a man in a tie that you just have to tip your hat to him.

7. Chucky (Child's Play)- Doesn't he look fun? rainbow colored shirt, pasty blue overalls and shoulder-length ginger hair and he's NOT supposed to be creepy until we find out he's alive. Yeah.... Don Mancini, you may have wanted to rethink that one. That little demon is not only the face of the killer toy genre, he is also the reason red-headed stepchildren are given a bad name.

6. Leprechaun- The stripy white and green socks, the dark green jacket, tophat, the black shoes with the little gold buckles and the vengeful, undying stereotype. This little Irish monster may have lost his scare factor after the original, but the look is iconic in its own right. Somehow film makers decided that this was an outfit that could fit in anywhere, so the Lep was taken to Vegas, the Hood, Los Angeles, and space.

5. The Monster (Frankenstein)- The slick black hair, the dark suit, the bolts on the neck, the ridicilous platform shoes... it all has nothing to do with Mary Shelley's novel. But, it is the image of Frankenstein's monster that has been embraced for over seventy years, kept intact through numerous films, so it's appeal cannot be argued with. Boris Karloff made the role his own in James Whale's classic Frankenstein and the phenomenal Bride of Frankenstein. He is a classic monster and every time one watches this performance, they are fully aware of witnessing a true classic.

4. Pinhead (Hellraiser)- His garb is saintly in a Hellish way, demonically ceremonial, and totally original. He is an image that could only have come from the mind of horror master Clive Barker. Pinhead has one of the darkest, most imposing presences out of any movie monster and so much of that is due to his frighteningly intruiging appearance. Everything about his scarred form (from the gridded pins to the hooks) screams order and precision. And this sense of order makes him one of the most authoritative monsters out there.

3. Count Dracula- while not entirely novel-accurate, this look of the Count in his dark suit, cape and widow's peak has become a cultural icon. It rivals Ronald MacDonald. The Count is elegant, but evil, and the combination is too intruiging to ever fade away. The outfit won't fit in everywhere, yet remains somehow timeless, so fitting for a character that is so immortal.

2. Carrie- How could anyone but our blood-stained beauty of a prom queen come in at number two? The image of her in formal wear, stained in blood, going mad in an instant... it's absolutely classic. This is one film that spends every scene building to it's ending. We've established Carrie as our tortured protagonist, but the girl can only take so much. Carrie snapping at her own prom, what was supposed to be a dream come true, turns into a horrific nightmare as she lays waste to her graduating class and gives us one of the best scenes in all of horror cinema.

1. Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)- Can you name one monster whose appearance is as classic as he is? eight movies and his image never changed. Every single bit of Freddy went to make up this character, one of the absolute most monstrous villains in film history. From the sarcastically evil personality, to the sweater, the hat, the stained jeans and work boots, and the glove to top it all off. Freddy is an intimidating, interesting, and eternally iconic image. He is one of the biggest archetypes in horror, and as such he will always remain.

Top 10 Horror Movies that Should Never Be Remade

2009-03-24T12:10:00.000-07:00

First off, I'm by no means anti-remake. But I just think there's gotta be a place where we draw the line.

Note: This list should, in all seriousness, start with Psycho. But alas, I'm ten years too late on that one. So let's get rolling.

Double note: That also goes for The Haunting.

10. Killer Klowns from Outer Space- This '80's cult classic is the kind that comes about once in a generation. It's charm is, well, a little unexpected, and it's amazing this movie's been as successful as it's been, but it is a spectacle of film making. I'm pretty sure that on this one, lightning wouldn't strike twice. So leave it be, Hollywood, before the klowns are cast as Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell.

9. Return of the Living Dead- This movie WAS the 1980's. It ulilized everything the decade had to offer and rolled it into one movie. The clothes (the main cast of characters seem to be a gaggle of every kind of 80's kid, from punk to prep), the special effects (corn syrup and latex, the way God intended), even the charming campiness (okay, there are still plenty of campy movies today, but few are charming). This movie can't exist outside of it's decade, so unless it's a period piece, it would be a disaster to try.

8. Sleepaway Camp- Okay, this is dangerous territory, because this is probably going to happen at some point. But, well, it can't. See, this movie almost feels like it wasn't supposed to happen, it was yet another ripoff '80's slasher film, it shouldn't have had the impact it did. But there's a certain lure of this film series that's hard to explain. And if it's hard to explain, it's impossible to recapture. The gender-confused heroine was taboo in the early '80's, she was shocking, whereas today she'd just be one more little twist that doesn't make sense, or people would walk away thinking they ripped off the Crying Game. Not to mention the fact that we finally received a new sequel (Return to Sleepaway Camp) just this year, after the 20 years since Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland. If anything, let the series get back on it's feet, straight to video, but don't force a remake on us now.

7. The Lost Boys- Again, we just got a sequel, and if you've seen the sequel, you have realized that anything Lost Boys related should have stayed in the 80's where it belongs. This vampire cult-classic would be butchered if re-imagined now, especially since Corey Feldman would no doubt beg to be involved. Not only would it be impossible for a remake to recapture the charm and feel of the original, but the original would likely lose credibility as well. Kids would just laugh at the "stupid" outfits (okay, yeah, sometimes I laugh myself) or "cheesy" special effects (which were, by the way, absolutely badass for their day). So let the Lost Boys sleep... of course, having said that, I'll take this time to mention that Lost Boys 3 is in production. And yes, Corey Feldman will be returning.

6. Creepshow- So far, in my mind, George Romero remakes have been 2/3. Night of the Living Dead turned out okay. Tony Todd turned in a pretty decent performance and the make-up was astounding. Zack Snyder's 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead has numerous, well-deserved fans. But Day of the Dead was bad enough so that there should be a law saying no Romero property should ever be remade again. Not to mention that Creepshow was one of the best anthology horror movies ever. The whole thing was an homage to the E.C. horror comics of the 1950's, and who remembers those now? Is there anyone who would tell you Tales from the Crypt was a comic forty years before it was a TV show? The five stories here were dead-on perfect recapturings of the E.C. feel. It's probably the best thing that Stephen King ever wrote for screen. Each story takes one certain type of E.C. story and they work so well together. There's no doubt in mind that what a remake would offer would be 5 totally new stories without any of the original context, just another random anthology horror with nothing in common with the original, save for the title.

5. I Spit on Your Grave- I've already got a visual of what this film would be. It would look pretty much exactly like High Tension, and it would be 1/3 as good. I Spit on Your Grave is the epitome of gritty, '70's grindhouse horror revenge cinema. And, unfortunately, Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino have taught us first-hand that if there's one thing the general audience wants to see, grindhouse isn't it. But with Last House on the Left being remade, I so see this happening in the future, and that's not good. This film was shocking when first released, it was brutal and the height of exploitation cinema. That would be totally lost today, when we go to the movies, and see everything.

4. Poltergeist- Now, this entry is different, kids. Because this remake is currently in production, and it will happen. Soon. But there are still reasons why it shouldn't. According to your friend, Captain Cadaver, Poltergiest is the ultimate haunted house movie. It's one of those things that just happened to turn out perfect. Not to mention the fact that all revisitings to the source material have turned out lovely so far. Poltergeist II: The Other Side and Poltergeist III were kind of atrocious. The makers of the remake would see that the '82 classic was heavy on the special effects, so this aspect would be incorporated and overdone. Poltergeist was a haunted house movie, but it was also a statement on the American family. The kind of family that just doesn't really exist today. We wouldn't see the parents smoking dope after tucking their kids away, or explaining death to their five year old daughter in a touchingly realistic way, or see the father calming the son down during a thunder storm. A new director could bring interesting camera angles to a new feature, but I guarantee the substance would be lost.

3. Cannibal Holocaust- This is the most brutally violent and shocking horror movie ever made. Obviously, a remake would be made with one thing in mind: "We gotta overdo it." And in basing the film on that view, it would be made ignoring all of the intelligence, emotion, and therefore all of the horror that made the original the classic it is today. The scenes of violence in this film stick with you for days, it is crafted to be an unforgettable movie. All of that would be lost in a remake that would do nothing but make you want to throw up. Okay, the original did this too, but it was scary and disturbing as hell, it wasn't about the gag-scares that would be the basis of a potential remake.

2. Rosemary's Baby- Well, this remake was in production for a good long while. But as of yesterday, Rosemary's Baby is officially NOT being remade and maybe Hollywood has finally realized when to say when. See, Rosemary's Baby is just too involved of a story, there's just too much at work in this movie to let anything be lost in a remake. It's probably the only case in history where the book and movie are just as good. The film is great, powerful, the story is scary and the acting is prime (sorry folks, but there's only one Mia Farrow), not to mention some of the best directing Roman Polanski ever did during his impressive career.

1. The Exorcist- As if it needed saying. This is arguably the greatest horror movie ever made, it's still talked about endlessly to this day, and that's not something that's gonna happen twice. And that's before we even consider the sequels we've been subjected to over the years, with the exception of Exorcist III (which is actually very, very good). Linda Blair gives one of the best performances ever (yes, ever) in her transition from innocent Regan to possessed, pea-soup vomiting, crucifix-masturbating Regan. Ellen Burstyn, as well as pretty much the whole damn cast, actually, is phenomenal too. As far as horror goes, this is pretty much close to perfection, and that's just not gonna happen again. So, let this one go, leave this classic to be a classic. There are plenty of other demonic possession films out there, and a good many of them could use remakes anyway.

Except for the Sexxxorcist, which should stay dead and buried.

Retrospective: 20 Years of Full Moon Pictures

2009-03-23T23:57:00.000-07:00

After Charles Band's Empire Pictures went bankrupt in the late '80's, he put it to rest and moved on from his once great horror company (Empire was the company that gave us such memorable films as Re-Animator, Troll, From Beyond, Ghoulies, Dungeonmaster, Dolls and um... Troll 2) and decided to start a new. The result would be the now classic (at least sub-classic) genre company Full Moon Pictures, which remains more or less active today.

Since it's debut with Puppet Master in 1989, Full Moon has offered the frightening, the quirky, the campy, the kinda slutty, the WTF, and the downright bizarre. So I would kindly wish to take this time to share this magic with you all. So, let's take a gander at some of this eclectic company's most... interesting and noteworthy features.

Puppet Master- This series has become Full Moon's bread and butter. The first three were fairly solid horror hits, the fourth and fifth were interesting and campy sci-fi romps, and the series kind of trumbled on from there. But the puppets themselves proved very memorable, even spawning a highly successful action figure series. And your dear Captain is anxiously waiting the series' latest installment, whenever it decides to arrive.

Dollman- So, there's this cop. Brick Bardo to be exact. But he's a space cop, you see? And he's the meanest space cop around. When his nemesis (a floating head, because that's all Brick left) escapes in a space pod, Brick takes after him in his space-cop ship. But things go awry, and they crashland on earth. But wait! There's a catch! On earth, he's only 12 inches tall. Hence the title, Dollman. So, he has an awkward romance with a latina girl and her son who thinks he's an action figure, and he saves them from drug lords. I think.

Castle Freak- The title does explain things a bit, but this film is very unlike much of Charlie's movies in that it's actually a fairly decent, fairly gruesome horror outing. A man and his wife (who hates him) and their blind daughter inherit a Spanish castle where a freakish subhuman creature lurks. For decades, it was beaten and kept in a dungeon by a bitchy old woman, but now she's dead. And now the freak is loose, and it seems to take a liking to their daughter... There are so many shocking scenes here, such as when the freak eats a cat, or when it bites off its own thumb to escape its shackles. Very different from the quirky, campy humor one is so used to with Charlie Band.

Blood Dolls- Words cannot describe this film. So yes, this is Band's upteenth "killer toy" film. And apparently he decided that, dammit, his movies just weren't weird enough. So, we have Blood Dolls. Here, a greedy business tycoon (who wears a mask all the time because his head is actually the size of my fist. He also has this machine that can turn his enemies into dolls (personified by three vicious little stereotypes: a pimp, an oriental doll, and a skinhead). Also, he has five hot girls living in a cage (his "house band") and makes a midget with an eyepatch cattle prod them to get them to play. Oh, and his right hand man and business partner (Mr. Mascaro) compliments his business suit with clown make-up throughout the entirety of the film. I know it sounds like I'm making it up. But just trust me on this one.

Subspecies- The first vampire film to be shot in modern day Transylvania, this is actually one of Full Moon's better films. It's slow paced, rythmic, very in tune with Hammer horror and the vampire Radu is easily one of the most underrated of horror movie villains. Even after four films, each one jumbling the plot just a little more, Anders Hove's astoundingly evil Radu never got old.

The Creeps- Okay, a list just isn't complete without this truly, truly original film. And I mean that whole heartedly. The Creeps is not a film just anyone could have come up with. So, in this film, we have an evil professor who wants to bring the classic monsters out of literature and into reality. Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster, The Wolf Man, and The Mummy, all made flesh. And so he does, but there's always that lovely Charlie Band catch. The monsters have returned to form, but they are not "complete". As in: they're midgets. All four villains are played by little actors, each one clearly very pissed about their current condition as they seek out a way to restore them to normal size.

The Pit and the Pendelum- in terms of actual quality of film making, this adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe's short story is probably the best film that Full Moon Pictures ever made. Lance Henriksen (of Aliens, Terminator, Pumpkinhead, Near Dark, and too many others to name) gives an absolutely breathtaking and bone-chilling turn as Torquemada, the Grand Inquisitor. The story is a love story that doesn't overdo itself, the elements of humor are very light and more in tune with classic films. In fact, everything feels very old fashioned until we reach the gore, which is frightening in the reality of the situation, and as the film builds to the title scene, we feel the tension mount with each second.

The Gingerdead Man- One of Full Moon's most recent films, and already a cult classic. Here, having tired from the killer toy formula, Band has respectfully settled on a killer cookie. The Gingerdead Man is a mean, mean, insane little bastard of a dessert, mostly due to the fact that he's voiced by Gary Busey. Oh, yes. Now, the poor workers at a little diner are in for a treat (eh, too much, Cap) as the night goes on and the cookie closes in. I really just said that. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we love Charlie Band.

Oh, and while Busey didn't return... Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust, is also worth a look, as if I even needed to say it.

Review: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

2009-03-23T16:02:00.001-07:00

Starring Nathan Baesel, Angela Goethals, and Robert Englund. Directed by Scott Glosserman.

8/10

So, I finally got around to seeing this film after wanting to for a long, long time... and I'm so glad I did. Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon is beyond a doubt one of the most intelligent and entertaining horror films in recent years. The film submerses itself in the genre, it is bathed in a knowledge of horror and easily the most brilliantly tongue-in-cheek horror movie since Wes Craven's Scream.

The first 2/3 of the film are shot documentary style, as we follow along with a camera crew who wish to make a film about apparent serial killer Leslie Vernon as he prepares to make his debut as a slasher and rank besides his idols (he lists Jason, Freddy and Michael Myers). We follow along as they meet the instantly likeable Leslie (Nathan Baesel) who explains to Taylor (Angela Goethal) and her crew the tricks of the trade of being a horror movie slasher. He goes through all the cliches, poking great fun at slasher films, subtly setting one up at the same time. Leslie explains how hard he has to work out to look like he's walking after people and still somehow catch up. He explains the concept of the "final girl", that would be the one girl he chooses to survive his ordeal, and what that entails (shy, homely, virgin). And he especially explains the concept of the "Ahab" that would be the one character who sees Leslie for what he really is and vows to stop him, in this case Doc Halloran (Robert Englund).

Almost instantly, the crew comes to share his enthusiasm for the project as he meticulously sets up his own horror film which he obviously plans to act out. They continue on like this until Leslie's big night, the night of his planned massacre, when their consciences catch up with them. Leslie himself is one of the most brilliantly self aware horror villains ever, and soon tells them to leave because they have that "we can't stand here and let this happen" look in their eye.

This is when the film shifts from first to third person, as the film crew snaps back to reality and realize that there is a killer about to take out an entire house full of teens, and they are the only ones with any idea how to stop him. The humor subsides as the tension mounts, reaching a brilliant and suspenseful conclusion.

The budget on this one may be low, but this is one film that isn't set back by that in the least. The acting is great (the teens in the house essentially play stereotypes, but they're supposed to), the scares and humor walk dangerously close at hand. This is one modern horror that, like its star, could easily become a classic.

The Fang Gang: Greatest On-Screen Vampires

2009-03-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

10. Carmilla (Ingrid Pitt) in The Vampire Lovers- Pitt's seductive portrayal of the classic vampire was mesmerizing, and became one of the greatest female vampires ever to grace the silver screen. She was powerful, beautiful, and deadly- a woman you would drool over, but then check under your bed to make sure she wasn't actually there. Carmilla here is a classic, elegant monster and represents all that was great about Hammer Studios in one of its best films.

9. Evil Ed (Stephen Geoffreys) in Fright Night- Not one of the more well known, and not actually the film's main vampire, but Evil Ed was a character any horror fan could relate to. He couldn't talk to girls, didn't have many friends, nor much of a life outside of monster movies. And when his best friend claims his neighbor is a vampire, Evil refuses to believe right up until he's bitten himself. And he becomes what we all secretly dread: the fanboy unleashed. The vampire fan becomes the vampire, and even though his screen time is limited, Stephen Geoffreys gives a classic horror performance as the ghoulishly entertaining Evil Ed.

8. David (Kiefer Sutherland) in The Lost Boys- The Lost Boys (much like Fright Night before it) brought the traditional vampire myth out of the dark ages and into the mullet-headed, strobe-lit 1980's. David is the leader of a pack of punkish vampires trying to lure in Michael, a newcomer to the town of Santa Carla (the apparent murder capitol of the world). The seductive edge of Dracula is gone and we have a more tough, intimidating vampire, Sutherland's scariest performance since his bully in Stand By Me. David and his vampires are so tough, in fact, that it takes BOTH Coreys (Haim and Feldman) to help put them down.

7. Claudia (Kirsten Dunst) in Interview With the Vampire- The film is, in my opinion, more than a little superior to the novel on which it is based. The cast works well together, Neil Jordan is the perfect director for the material, and Anne Rice's script doesn't subject us to her prose. The scariest and most intriguing part of the novel is also luckily adapted almost intact. That would be Dunst's child-vampire Claudia. A woman eternally trapped in a child's body, Claudia's inner conflict is fascinating and she is chilling to watch through every moment of her screen time.

6. Count Dracula (Frank Langella) in Dracula (1979)- This is, to me, classic Dracula and one of the best films ever based on the character. Langella's performance here is intimidating, seductive, he provides monsters with an idol. He is powerful and gets any woman he desires. The women want him, and the men want to be him, because here in this film, he's essentially the James Bond of vampires. No widow's peak, nor accent, Langella steps in and makes the role entirely his own.

5. Severin (Bill Paxton) in Near Dark- Sorry, folks. But this list wouldn't be complete without a throwback to my personal favorite vampire film. Here, the vampires are a family, out west, almost empathetic until Paxton's big scene. They walk into a bar and the charismatic Severin starts fucking with the bartender, obviously picking a fight. He walks on the bar, crushing everyone's drinks under his heel, and when the bartender decides to make a move, Severin slits his throat with a swift kick (as there is a blade attatched to the heel of his boot). The character is a dick, but he's memorable, and plays well as the id of the family.

4. Count Dracula (Bela Lugosi) in Dracula (1931)- Sure, the film and this character bear little resemblance to the novel on which it's based. But when people think of Dracula, the biggest name in horror, Lugosi's face is the first that comes to mind. Even if he's not entirely Stoker's Count, he plays the role with an elegance and a spooky charm that has become classic. There's barely a single visual effect throughout the film, Lugosi relies entirely on his acting to convey the horror, and for the most part it works.

3. Spike (James Marsters) in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1998-2003)- Arguably one of the most well-written TV dramas ever, Buffy had many memorable characters. But none of them, when it came down to it, were quite as entertaining on a weekly basis (nor did any of them under go such a remarkable transformation from season to season) as this punk British vampire. Spike was one of the most perceptive, charming, tough and humorous characters in the show's history, and played off of every single character in a way none of the others cast members could. Pity plans for a spin-off fell through, because if there's one character who could likely never stop developing, Spike is certainly it.

2. Count Dracula (Christopher Lee) in Horror of Dracula (1958)- Many people will tell you that Sean Connery IS James Bond. Many will tell you Michael Keaton (or, sigh, Adam West) IS Batman. More than a few will say Boris Karloff IS Frankenstein ('cause they can't name anyone else). And that is why I'm here to tell you that Christopher Lee IS Dracula. He's imposing, menacing, with one of the most powerful presences in film history. There's a charm, but it's dangerous. He is an elegant monster, and a frightening personification of the id at the same time. When he wants something, he will let nothing stand in the way of his getting it. The image of Lee with blazing red eyes and blood running from his mouth, a look like a rabid animal, is one of the most haunting images in horror history and it remains chilling to this day.

1. Count Orlock (Max Schreck) in Nosferatu (1922)- Sometimes the first is the best. While there were vampire films (a few) before Nosferatu, it was truly the first of its kind. It began the age of film vampires, something that has only continued to grow into today. Schreck's demonic Count is still a haunting image after close to a century, and that is the statement of a powerful character. Even today, this silent shocker still haunts, and that is all due to Max Schreck as the looming, rat-like Count Orlock. He's one of the most famous visuals in film history, the most frightening vampire ever to appear on film, and after all this time, it's likely that he will remain such for generations to come.

Retrospective: Ladies of Horror

2009-03-23T05:42:00.000-07:00

There have been many fine women to grace the screen in the history of the horror film, so today we're gonna look back on them. Ladies of horror, past and present.

Linnea Quigley- A child of the '80's (well, mostly '90's. Still) I deemed her the best place to start. Linnea's, um, assets were pasted all over the screen throughout the entirety of the 1980's. She starred in such classics as Night of the Demons, Return of the Living Dead, Jack-O, Graduation Day, Silent Night Deadly Night, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings... the list goes on and on. As far as scream queens go, she ranks amongst the top, just for the quantity of work alone if nothing else.
Memorable Film: Return of the Living Dead. Yeah, Linnea was generally sought out for a movie if there was a skin scene to be had, but in this classic she went all out. Linnea takes her clothes off randomly in about her third scene, and remains that way for the duration of the film (even past death).

Jamie Lee Curtis- Would this shindig really be complete without her? Jamie is arguably the original scream queen, and one of the few to move on to a massive career outside the genre. After her phenomenal breakout performance in Halloween, Curtis went on to star in a plethora of other genre hits (Prom Night, The Fog, Terror Train, Halloween II) before moving on to a bigger career. Then, because she's a class act, Curtis (unlike most actors) was well aware of her roots in horror, enough to make Halloween: H20 twenty years after the original. Halloween: Resurrection is another story...
Memorable Film: Is it even open to debate? Her debut as the innocent yet powerful Laurie Strode in Halloween set the bar for horror actresses everywhere.

Elsa Lanchaster- Her two minute performance in The Bride of Frankenstein will be always be remembered. If that doesn't say something about her screen presence, I don't know what can. When the doctors prepare to remove the bride's bandages, we're expecting an unsightly horror. Instead, we see a creature that is awkwardly beautiful, somehow fractured. She's like a helpless, frightened animal, so unlike the creature she was born to love.
Memorable Film: Obviously, The Bride of Frankenstein.

Angela Bettis- Angela burst onto the scene at the dawn of the millenium and pretty much headlined a new generation of scream queens. Since her debut, she has starred in Bless the Child, May, Carrie, Masters of Horror: Sick Girl, The Woods, and others. Her characters are generally very socially awkward and she is not conventionally attractive, but there is a definite lure to her that cannot be argued.
Memorable Film: Definitely May, for her frighteningly stunning and darkly humorous portrayal of a very disturbed young girl fighting to connect with the people around her.

Janet Leigh- Mother of the aforementioned Jamie Lee Curtis, Janet Leigh (like Elsa Lanchaster) had a lengthy and impressive career, but will always be remembered for one scene. That would be the infamous shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock's classic Psycho. She's built up as our heroine, and despite making the wrong choices from the very beginning of the film, we connect with her and even fall for her. It's therefore a shock when her character is stabbed to death in the shower, only about twenty minutes into the film. In this time, however, she's a treat for the eyes and if sex appeal actually had a sound, her voice would be it. She catches the eye of Norman Bates, too, and his mother is none to happy about that. The shower scene was the closest horror came in 1961 to the nude sex scenes that have today become a genre staple.
Memorable Film: Psycho.

Ingrid Pitt- The luscious star of so many Hammer horror films of the '60's. They just don't make scream queens like they used to, and Pitt was one of the best in history, starring in such Hammer classics like Countess Dracula, The Vampire Lovers (in which she played classic literary vampire Carmilla), The House That Dripped Blood and The Wicker Man, amongst others. She had an elegance, a look, and class that is just lost on so many of today's actresses.
Memorable Film: The Vampire Lovers. Of the few adaptions of Sheridan Le Fanu's Carmilla, this is the best, for Pitt's fiendishly sexy performance if nothing else.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark- Could one talk about the female icons of horror without talking about Cassandra Peterson's sassy, ridiculously busty late-night horror host. She starred in her own show, Elvira's Movie Macabre before getting her own film in 1988. Her name is known the world over, and few horror hosts can say the same.
Memorable Film: Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.

Danielle Harris- Okay, bear with me here. She first appeared as the young star of Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers. But now, she's returned to the franchise with Rob Zombie's Halloween remake, and boy has she grown up. Harris carries herself through many a low budget horror movie these days, perfectly comfortable with where she is, offering every new movie a perkiness and a spunkiness that is undeniably sexy and undeniably all her own.

Christina Ricci- Another child star who grew up well. Maybe she hasn't done too much horror, and maybe Cursed isn't too much to brag about, but she has roots in the genre and certainly makes the occasional return. Returns to the genre that are generally much better than Hilary Swank's. Christina was the best (okay, mostly the only watchable) thing about Wes Craven's Cursed, and she was a very soft, Hammer-esque beauty in Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow, which she starred in opposite Johnny Depp. She was the perfect combination of strong and vulnerable in that film, and one cannot doubt that her next genre hit is likely right around the corner.
Memorable Film: Sleepy Hollow, for all the above reasons, and cleavage.

Review: Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf

2009-03-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

Starring Christopher Lee (sadface), Reb Brown and Sybil Danning.

4/10

So, take The Howling, which is in my mind tied for best werewolf movie ever made alongside An American Werewolf in London. It was a classic. This sequel is, apparently, the best way to respect it they can think of.

Apparently, our story truly begins when author Gary Brandner went to see his novel, The Howling, adapted to film. He was very bitter, because the film strayed from his book so much (it was better, by a lot, though the book was enjoyable). The names were different, the werewolves stood upright, and there was NO anal sex! OUTRAGE!!!! How dare they bastardize his literary masterpiece? So, Gary Brandner vowed that he would win the option to write the sequel, and he did.

On that note, let's talk Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf. First of all, you already know the film won't be astounding, so we don't have to tiptoe around that. Then there's the fact that the film is trying to insult you before you even pick it up. What do you say to that? "Nuh-uh, YOUR sister is a werewolf." Then again, it is descriptive.

We open the film with the funeral for Karen White (the protagonist of The Howling), and meet her brother Ben. Ben is approached by a creepy old man, Stefan Crosscoe (Christopher Lee, and even he couldn't save this movie) who informs Ben that his sister is a werewolf. Here, we pinpoint the exact moment where this film stops having anything to do with it's predecessor.

There's an interlude with a horrible '80's band whose 1 songs seems to make up the entirety of the soundtrack. We see a "vicious killing" that at least lets us down easy and lets us know there's no need to wait for the special effects to show up. See, the only time we see an actual werewolf is when they play the same shot of a werewolf mask against a black screen, over and over again.

We follow Crosscoe, Ben and Jenny Templeton (a love interest, because Lee just wouldn't cut it) to Transylvania (......) where the "action" heats up. Crosscoe seems a Van Helsing of sorts, ready to do battle with Stirba, queen of the werewolves. Stirba, the Werewolf Bitch (this is, by the way, the film's alternative title) is played by the once luscious Sybil Danning. We reach the point of the movie when Stirba strips out of her bondage gear for no apparent reason in her first scene. We move through a movie with neither werewolves, nor special effects (minus the werewolf threesome with three actors covered in fake fur. All "hairy situation" jokes are lost by the vomit that tries to force its way out of your mouth). Then, Stirba is finally laid to rest, and when we finally think we've reached the sweet, sweet bliss of the credits, we are treated to a montage of the movie's best moments. Played over that same fucking song.

Stirba's booby scene is played over six times during this montage, and apparently watching this in theaters made star Sybil Danning cry. Can't say as I blame her.

Splatter Chatter

2009-03-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, folks. Let's count down the best kill scenes in horror history.

Ready?

OKAY!!!

10. Puppet Master (Dana Hadley)- I don't really know what it is about this scene, or these movies, but I love it. Here we have the amazingly long, drawn out death of a bitchy middle aged alcoholic woman. First, the burly puppet Pinhead breaks her ankle, forcing her to crawl away. She puts up a hell of a fight when Blade (skull-faced, fedora, trench coat, knife for one hand, hook for the other) jumps in on the action. Dana thinks she's escaped via elevator, only to see Blade leap down from above and slit her throat. For a film so bloodless and quirky, the scene is surprisingly brutal, especially when Blade stares fascinated at his knife after the kill.

9. Zombie (the eye kill)- It's a classic. People who don't even know this movie know this kill. So, generally zombies are after our brains. Well, this guy was apparently pissed about something, and decided to take it out on this poor woman's eye. The scene is painfully slow. The zombie breaks through the door, splintering it, leaving one long protruding piece. He reaches in, grabs her by the head, and slowly brings her eye in toward the piece of wood. Like most horror movies, we expect the camera to turn away. This time, it doesn't.

8. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (those two douchebag guys)- So, the movie starts by planting us firmly in the 1980's. We got two of the most obnoxious characters ever to grace horror films (what in the HELL kind of glasses is that guy wearing??). Anyway, from the first time we see them, we're begging for these guys to die. And boy, do they. They die over the radio, too, for the world to hear, and it's just an added bonus that their deaths set up the plot of the film. They see a truck, and it's a Leatherface truck. Leatherface has apparently gotten into puppetry since the original, as he starts off by giving them a puppet show with a rotting corpse on the back of the truck (you know, that old routine...). Then, whereas we never saw any blood in the original, the driver here takes a chainsaw through the head, and we can't feel an ounce of sorry.

7. The Toxic Avenger (that poor, poor kid)- So this scene is kind of infamous. It's brutal in that it shows a group of teens who can't just prove their dicks by being bullies, they also have to run down old ladies and little kids in their sports car. Here, they play a game where they rack up points for the people they hit, and apparently a kid on a bike is worth a lot (Oh, and in case I actually need to say it, DON'T try this at home). But, here's the catch. Even if you hit 'em, you don't get the points if they live. So they back up and run over the kid AGAIN. We see quite a close up of the kid's head getting crushed, and it looks suspiciously like a melon with a wig on it.

6. Critters 2: The Main Course (The Easter Bunny)- Yes, I said Critters 2. And yes, I said the Easter Bunny. So, at some point in time, the God of movies (Mick Garris, apparently) decided that if there was one movie that needed a sequel, it was Critters. Also, there weren't enough horror movies set on Easter. So here, the Easter Bunny is getting ready to surprise a bunch of kids at the church, but after taking a piss, his zipper won't zip. The crafty Critters see this as an opportunity, so they leap in his big fluffy trousers and gobble his junk. Our Bunny pal is eaten alive inside his costume, then tossed through the window of the church during service. An inconveniance for the people, a childhood trauma for the kids, or a wet dream for Elmer Fudd? You decide.

5. Friday the 13th Part 2 (double impalement)- It took me awhile just to get over the fact that Jason kills a helpless wheelchair-bound kid in this movie, but this scene is actually worse. Also, if there's one scene that could sum up the Friday series, this would be it. So, the couple have just had sex. And they're enjoying each other, looking totally comfortable in each others' embrace. Then poor Sandra looks up and sees Jason, and doesn't have time to scream or scramble before he swing his spear down through the bed, impaling them both.

4. American Psycho (Paul Allen)- Words cannot sum up the amazingness of this movie. And it's not like Jared Leto doesn't deserve it. So, Patrick Bateman, our humble narrator, invites Paul back to his home, discusses the glory of '80's music, slips on a clear rain coat, grabs a VERY shiny ax, and hacks Paul Allen to pieces. Now who's got the better looking business card, bitch? Yeah, this scene is both traumatizing and hilarious, and the joy of having both at once is something so few horror films carry.

3. The Shining (Dick Halloran)- So, we built up his character in the beginning. He's got a bond with young Danny, our true protagonist of the film. He says for the little Doc to call him (in a psychic way) if he ever needs anything. When Jack Torrance goes a little mental at the end and decides it's about time to cut his wife and child to ribbons, we know only Dick Halloran can save us. Already, we've been subjected to one of the most frightening ghost stories ever filmed, it's a sigh of relief to have hope. So Halloran arrives at the hotel, ready to help in any way he can, he walks through the door... and takes an ax to the gut. Jack's just going crazier, poor Wendy and Danny are stuck in here with him, and the terror just mounts and mounts.

2. Halloween (Bob)- Halloween itself is a masterpiece of a movie, but it's not about the kills and doesn't pretend to be. There's not a lot of blood, but it lays the ground for all slasher films to come after it. Here we have a classic, oft copied scene where the boyfriend has just finished his sex (which, btw, he kinda sucked at) and goes to get a beer for the lady. He hears something in the pantry downstairs, and thinking by some miracle of physics that it's his girlfriend, asks them politely to come out of there. Michael Myers emerges, a spectre in the shadows, and pins him to the wall with his butcher knife. The scariest part is the way Michael just looks at the body, almost curiously, as it hangs there limp after death.

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street (Tina Gray)- Nightmare was made at the height of the slasher film craze, and most people went in expecting the same old things (because let's face it, most slasher movies were the same old thing) that they were becoming so used to seeing. Slash after slash, audiences were getting used to the shocks. Well, with this Wes Craven classic, they knew things were going to be VERY different from the first death in the film. Tina is safe in bed with her boyfriend when she hears a noise outside, except she's dreaming. Rod wakes up as she screams his name, struggling against some invisible force. He tries to help, but he can't wake her up. We're then subjected to a jaw-dropping, horrific scene. We see four slashes appear on her chest, Tina is dragged up the wall, onto the ceiling, then dropped back down to the bed, into a pool of her own blood. It established one of the biggest maniacs in horror history, and it's a scare that remains absolutely timeless.

Good Friday

2009-03-21T23:17:00.000-07:00

So, I might as well get going with my first real post. I've had about a month to come down from the hype of the new Friday the 13th film, and I wanted to start off the blog with an icon, so why not a retrospective on the exploits of Mr. Jason Voorhees? (I'd call him "Sir", but I'm still holding out serious hope that he'll be knighted someday).

Now. Let's get Jasoning. Here's my list of the Friday the 13th series from best to worst.

1. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter- to me, this is the epitome of everything the series was ever supposed to be. It plays like an actual '80's teen comedy, for the most part. The teenagers in these films have always been written to serve their purpose, the whole thing has been formulatic from the beginning, but here the formula is perfected. We laugh, we cry (oh, come on, he killed the kid's mom AND his dog), we watch them die. And Jason is just a mean old bastard, here he's at his most intense (mostly due to the fact that actor Ted White actually HATED doing the film). Some of the best kills in the whole series come from this film too (Crispin Glover's corkscrew/cleaver, banana girl, and Axel all stand out).

2. Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives- an attempt to inject (intentional) humor into the series, while still keeping the classic feel, and it pretty much works on all accounts. Jason becomes pretty much a zombie in this film and ensures his status among the classics via a Frankenstein-like resurrection scene. This is the only film in the series without nudity, but it's also the only film in the series that ACTUALLY has kids attending CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE. So, you gotta give it points for that.

3. Friday the 13th (2009)- Yes. The new film ranks this high. I followed production closely, I got excited at every promise they made about what the new film would be. It would be a return to the roots of the series, and it was. Was it the best film ever made? Nope. And neither were the eleven films before it. It was formulatic, entertaining, and vicious. And boobies. That's right, it was boobies. Seriously, though, Jason has never been scarier or meaner than in this outing.

4. Friday the 13th Part 3: 3-D- To be honest, this film used to rank a couple spots lower, but now that I've seen it in its original 3-D format, the way it was meant to be seen, I gotta say I get it a lot better. The gimmicks seem less hokey when they ACTUALLY pop out at you. Also, the characters here were kinda fun, even if they got on your nerves. I don't know if there's a single horror fan out there who couldn't relate to poor, misunderstood Shelley. And to top it all off, this is the film where Jason gets his hockey mask that has become just as iconic as he has.

5. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood- This is first film where Jason was played by stuntman Kane Hodder, who ended up playing him four times. The idea for this film sounds hokey, and it is, but it works better than one would think. Jason this time goes toe to toe with Tina, one of the series' best protagonists, is telekinetic. She is at the lake trying to get over her father's death as well as control her abilities, all under the guidance of Dr. Crews (award winner- biggest dick in the whole series). Anywho, she accidentally unleashes Jason from his watery grave, and no one blames her for being the cause of all the murders, because this is the 1980's. Jason is an unstoppable force of nature here, and the makeup work is astounding. Also, the showdown between Jason and Tina is surprisingly badass.

6. Friday the 13th Part 2- So, this film is our introduction to Jason. And I'll admit, it's amongst my least watched in the series because it just doesn't feel like classic Jason to me. Hockey mask Jason always pops in my head before Potato Sack Jason. But the film does establish the character, his obsession with his mother (his shrine to his mother is a brilliant concept) and really is a good slasher flick with some of the best kills in the series. Double impalement, anyone?

7. Friday the 13th- One may ask why the original ranks so low on my list. Well, 7 out of 12 isn't too too low, but it's far from my favorite in the series. Despite being the first in the series, there were sequels with more originality, and were more artfully made. Screenwriter Victor Miller has fully admitted to ripping off Halloween as much as he could, but this film does stand ok on it's own. It is neither the best or the worst horror film of the '80's, and the kills are fantastic, but more often than not, the series is watched for Jason. Despite the fact that Betsy Palmer is quite charming as the wonderful Mrs. Voorhees. Also, this does have to its credit the wonderful Kevin Bacon death scene and one of the best endings in horror history.

8. Freddy vs. Jason- Maybe this film wasn't everything it was supposed to be, but believe you me it could have been a lot worse. Monster mash-ups are a long-standing tradition in horror films. It dates back to Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, to King Kong vs. Godzilla, and countless others. It's two horror greats going head-to-head, and it works in that respect. Robert Englund is still at the top of his game as Freddy in his apparent last performance as the character. The film is also very stylized, which is both good and bad at times. The screen looks great when focused on the two monsters, but everything else....

9. Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning- I'll admit, this film is starting to grow on me. It's kind of mean spirited, the whole thing turns out to be pointless (the killer ain't Jason, and they don't bother to tell you until he's dead). And "Roy the paramedic" just isn't as intimidating as Mr. Voorhees. But it slashes, and it slashes well.

10. Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday- well, yes and no. Jason does go to hell, which is apparently where the muppets ended up too, judging by the gaggle of creatures that reach up through the earth and drag him down. The concept is interesting, and new, which is hard for this series, so it gets points for effort. Here we find out that Jason has the ability to body hop from person to person when his own body is destroyed. And to get his own body back, he must enter the body of a member of his bloodline (giggidy, oh wait- that's actually what happens). Yes, the film has an intriguing start. Then there's a scene where Jason ties down a man and shaves off all his body hair, and doesn't kill him. Then we see his "true form" which is some sort of mangled demon baby. Then, in our climactic finish, he is reborn by crawling into his sister's vag. But, the last 30 seconds of film make the whole move almost worth it with the promise that Freddy vs Jason will finally come.

11. Jason X- When I started to realize this film was growing on me, I vowed never to watch it again. But, anyway, in this romp of a film, Jason goes to space (see Leprechaun 4, Critters 4, and Hellraiser: Bloodline) for notes on how well that works. Anyway, 500 years in the future, earth is a hell-hole because we suck. And after salvaging two bodies, the students (I don't know what the hell class they were taking, but it wasn't space-science, or space-acting) decide to bring Jason back into space because they suck, the professor decides to keep Jason around because he sucks, Jason kills everyone but then gets a cyber-makeover because, in the future, he sucks too. A hologram scene at Crystal Lake is noteworhty, however.

12. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan- Jason Takes Vancouver, Jason Takes a Cruise Ship, Jason Takes Your Money, or Jason Takes a Steamy Crap on His Own Franchise would all have been more acceptable and appropriate titles. Paramount Pictures held out through some pretty big box office ups and downs over the previous seven movies, but sold the franchise to New Line after this one, and I can't say as I blame them. There's about fifteen minutes of the movie that are actually set in Manhattan, and about fourteen of them are filmed in Canada. Jason spends the rest of the movie haunting a cruise ship, picking off a senior class one by one, as well as screwing up his own continuity every time he appears to our heroine. Let's just say that where before Jason had killed Crispin Glover, survived a hatchet to the face, drowning (x2), having a house dropped on him and being set on fire, here he dies screaming and vomiting in a flood of toxic waste. To top it all off, toxic waste seems to turn him into a twelve year old... brilliant, guys.

So, there you have it. Friday the 13th in all its glory. Stay tuned next time for whatever happens next time.

I bid you welcome

2009-03-21T21:59:00.000-07:00

Welcome, friends, to Captain Cadaver's Happy Horror Blog. We're in for a treat, kids. Here, you and your old pal Captain Cadaver will be discussing, criticizing and reminiscing about all things horror. I'll be following along with recent genre news, reminiscing about classics past, and hopefully introducing folks to some lovely gems they may have missed.

I'll try to look at things from as fair a view as I can, but it is my blog, and I can get caught up in the moment sometimes when discussing things I might.... disagree with, things that sometimes go by the name of Stephanie Meyer. Either way, I'll try to never be as big a dick as the ending of Sleepaway Camp (mega points to those who get the reference).

So come on in folks, the storm's really picking up out there, and you might need somewhere to stay for the night. I'll fix a pot of tea, we'll put on a fire, and maybe even toss in a movie or two...