Review: The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting

Starring Kari Wuhrer, Jake Busey, and C. Thomas Howell. Directed by Louis Morneau.

2/10

The Hitcher was one of the most shocking suspense movies ever made (see my review for more on that). Apparently, this was the best they could do to honor it. The Hitcher II: I've Been Waiting is a 2003 (that's seventeen years, folks), straight-to-video follow up to the 1986 classic. What we have here is essentially a re-hash of the original, without any of the substance that made the original great. There aren't characters we can cheer for, there's no one to root for. Probably the only thing keeping this from a 1/10 is the fact that C. Thomas Howell had the balls to reprise his original role.

All these years after the original, Jim Halsey (Howell) is still haunted by what he went through. He's now a cop, with a bad habit of shooting the bad guys before an arrest can even be attempted. Howell is hollow this time around, and no doubt meant to be, but whatever lure his character had is now gone, leaving no room for us to connect with him. After a clever and inventive opening scene, the whole film trumbles unmercifully downhill. Kari Wuhrer plays Jim's girlfriend, Maggie, who is convinced he needs a break from his work. So, the two plan a visit to Captain Esterige, the sheriff who helped Jim near the climax of the original film (different actor, and they don't try to hide it). So, of all the places to vacation, Jim decides it's time to put the past behind him and drive down that same stretch of road from the original film. Oops.

While her character doesn't suck at times, one can't help but think Maggie was added to the roster just so the writers could say "see! It's not exactly the same!" Anyway, the film REALLY starts to dive when we are introduced to Jack, our hitcher. The writers make no attempt to explain who Jack is or where he came from, and not in a good way. He clearly knows who Jim is, but explains nothing. The only thing that's hinted at is the possibility that he is the reincarnation (uh-huh) of the original's John Ryder, and that would be the biggest insult the first film could receive.

If you check my review of the original, I note more than once that Rutger Hauer in the original Hitcher is one of the most brutal, unforgiving and incredible madmen ever to appear on film. So this time, the hitcher is played by Jake Busey.... and yes, that would be Gary Busey's son. Busey's hitcher is written to emulate the original, but whereas Ryder was cold and determined, this hitcher is hammy and lame. Jake Busey is so over-the-top that one can't even begin to fear him, or even be mildly intimidated. He attempts to frame them in a shallow mockery of the original's plot, with an ending that (by being essentially the same) slaps the original's in the face.

The only real originality comes with Maggie. Jim is (mercifully) shot early in the film, making his girl the madman's target. It is she who must overcome all odds to beat the guy, who has no reason for doing this, and there's barely room for her character to grow, as she's kind of been a bitch the whole time. Almost embarassingly, the basis of this plot was borrowed for the 2007 remake of The Hitcher.

Just like the acting father-son duo of Gary & Jake, avoid this film at all costs. Curiosity drove me to check it out because the original was a masterpiece, but let me assure you, the only horror you'll find here is Busey, trumbling between normal Busey-crazy, and acting hitcher-crazy.

Review: Return of the Living Dead 3

Starring Melinda Clarke, J. Trevor Edmund, and Sarah Douglas. Directed by Brian Yuzna.

7/10

Generally, the only way "difference" comes across in the zombie genre is the speed at which the monsters move. It's hard to craft a zombie movie that's different. And this movie, believe it or not, is one of the few to succeed. What does it have to do with the original Return of the Living Dead? Absolutely nothing, but neither did the second one (save for a short Tar-Man appearance). Despite it's title, the film certainly stands well enough on its own.

Director Brian Yuzna is no stranger to zombies. He produced one of the best, most original zombie movies (and horror comedies, for that matter) ever with Re-Animator, and he directed both its sequels. All three were tongue-in-cheek, humorous attempts, and it was reasonable to expect the same here, as Return of the Living Dead may be the ultimate horror comedy.

Instead, Yuzna delivered Return of the Living Dead 3: a serious, emotionally driven dark love story. While the film is plagued in early '90's low budget feel, it makes up for it with an intriguing story and surprisingly decent acting, not to mention the well-crafted effects.

As for the story. Kurt (Edmund) is the son of a military officer, which calls for them to move around a lot, but for once he's perfectly happy in the arms of his punk-goth girlfriend Julie (Clarke). He has no idea what his dad is doing for actual work, and doesn't care. Because for once, he's happy, fitting right at home in the "wrong crowd".

Well, it turns out what dad is doing is trying to control and produce zombies for the military. Obviously, indestructible undead soldiers would be the best kind to have on the battlefield. But his plans fall through (causing three casualties) and the father is taken off the project. When he informs Kurt they'll be moving yet again, the boy will hear none of it, and he and Julie take off. Now, there's the perfect opportunity here to turn both father and son into cliches, but the film surprisingly avoids the cliche at nearly every turn. Kurt's dad actually does only want him to be happy, and Kurt does momentarily find himself torn between the girl he loves and the father he respects.

The story picks up in full when the two lovers get in a motorcycle accident that breaks Julie's neck, killing her. Kurt sneaks into the military compound (as the two have done before) and resurrects Julie, foolishly thinking that everything is going to be okay. Of course, it isn't. This becomes obvious with each passing second, but both Kurt and Julie try to tell themselves that nothing has changed, and that everything is going to be just like it was. But Julie's cravings for flesh can't be ignored forever, and she's changing with each passing second.

The two come toe-to-toe with a gang and Julie gets her first taste of human meat, while Kurt has to begin to own up to the decision it could mean. As Julie learns that pain can provide release for the hunger, she shapes herself more and more into a sadomasochistic, Hellraiser-esque creature as the film progresses. The action does not make up most of the movie, but when it comes it does deliver. The acting, especially between Julie and Kurt, is convincing, and the "River Man" must be seen to be believed. The humor is sly, dark and much more subtle than previous entries. Overall, this is a well-crafted, almost touching zombie flick and probably one of the most original to come out of the genre, no small feat for a low budget '90's horror sequel.

Review: The Hitcher (1986)

Starring C. Thomas Howell, Rutger Hauer, Jennifer Jason Leigh. Directed by Robert Harmon.

9/10.

"I want you to say four words. 'I. Want. To. Die.'"

Thus begins the horror in one of the most shocking and intense thrillers ever filmed. Jim Halsey(C. Thomas Howell) is an innocent, naive young man, but we barely take a moment to get to know him before he is (and we are) thrusted into the horror that only builds and builds with every scene until the film's end.

Mere minutes into the film, Halsey drives past a wrecked car with a man standing in the rain beside it. He stops, opens the door for the stranger and jokes, "my mother told me never to do this." It is at this point that we are introduced to John Ryder (Rutger Hauer), easily one of the most cold, calculated and chilling madmen in film history.

The two start chatting uneasily, but all attempts to make friends ends quickly as Ryder makes his motives clear. Halsey asks if he saw a man in the car, to which the answer is yes, and if the man would be alright. Ryder takes this opportunity to explain, "I cut off his legs. And his arms. And his head. And I'm going to do the same to you." This triggers a brief fight between the two as Halsey forces Ryder out of the car, and we begin to think we're safe.

But it is only a short time later that Halsey is passed by a family in a station wagon, happy, and he smiles too until he sees Ryder smiling back at him from the car's back seat. Despite Halsey's attempts to warn them, the family pushes on, and he later finds them dead. It becomes evident that Ryder is framing Halsey for his murders, but what's happening here is more than that. Ryder does not want to kill Halsey, he wants to make him into a killer.

Halsey soon meets up with a waitress named Nash (Jennifer Jason Leigh) who happens to think he is innocent, but even when things seem safe, the Hitcher is lurking in the background. Every time our hero sees an ounce of hope, Ryder comes out of nowhere to smash that hope, each time more brutally than the next. The film builds like this, perfectly, each scene more suspenseful than the last, until we reach our jaw-droppingly brutal, and almost beautiful, conclusion.

Well-written and directed, the acting and effects are top-notch, but what pushes this from being a great thriller to one of the best of all time is Rutger Hauer as the unforgivingly psychotic John Ryder.

"I'm not an asshole, I'm an actor": Best Horror Movie Victims

10. Stooge (Night of the Demons)- So annoying, so obnoxious, so "oh, god when will he just die" that you just had to admire the pig-nosed bastard. He's so annoying that it's somewhere past annoying, in his own little world of douchebaggery. With such lines as "eat a bowl of fuck, I am here to party!" Stooge has found a special place (1988) in our hearts.

9. Jimbo and Ted (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter)- An 80's comedy duo second only to Bill and Ted. They were like characters stripped from the best of teen comedies and dropped into a Friday the 13th. They gave the film a charm it needed, as well as a heart, even if all they ever really did was bitch about how they never got laid, or if Ted's best advice to Jimbo (played by Crispin Glover, for the record) was telling him that his failed relationships were probably due to impotence. But it's not his fault. The computer don't lie.

8. Trash (Return of the Living Dead)- The beautiful Linnea Quigley in one of her most famous roles. An eerie goth obsessed with death, she dreams of being eaten alive and gets her ultimate wish not too long after we get ours.

7. Tina (Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers)- Is this a noteworthy film? Not exactly. But there has never been a character that screamed "kill me" more than this little wench. She is perhaps THE most annoying victim out of any horror film. Ever. and a result, one of the most worthy and relieving deaths ever.

6. Casey Becker (Scream)- Drew Barrymore appears in the opening scene of your movie, you expect her to be there for awhile. Well, that becomes a little less likely with each ring of the phone, but throughout the whole powerful opening scene she puts up one hell of a fight, and we almost think maybe she's made it. But instead, her parents find her body hanging from a tree, and the screaming begins.

5. Shelley (Friday the 13th Part 3)- One of the most relatable horror film characters for any horror fan. He can't get the girls, he doesn't have too many friends, his love of horror isn't shared by anyone close to him, he can't really stand up for himself, so he hides behind props, gags and make-up effects. He's the ultimate stereotypical fanboy, at least circa 1983, so it's only fitting that he is the one character to put the final puzzle piece together for one of cinema's most iconic monsters, as he is the one to give Jason Voorhees his iconic hockey mask.

4. Evil Ed (Fright Night)- See the "best screen vampires" list for the full description on this fan turned fang.

3. Meg Loughlin (The Girl Next Door)- Jaw-dropping, brutal, shocking, and more-or-less true. This is real American horror. Meg is one of our main protagonists, but she is tortured throughout the film by her own dispicable aunt, who later lets the neighborhood boys join in on the torment (including rape) that eventually leads to this twelve year old girl's death. A scene with a blowtorch is most disturbing.

2. Marion Crane (Psycho)- A beautiful, compelling protagonist, Marion has our undivided attention right down to the moment she is sliced to ribbons in the shower of room number 1 at the Bates Motel. The movie is classic, the scene is an eternal icon.

1. Lucy Westenra (Dracula)- No matter which adaption, even in the most loosely based, Lucy is the ultimate horror victim. She is a free-spirited, compelling character, and the "illness" that leads to her death sets up about half of the plot. She is the catalyst to bring in Dr. Abraham Van Helsing, Dracula's now-classic nemesis. She is a symbol of innocence, as all true victims are, and this makes her later transformation so much more terrifying. The story would not exist without her, or wouldn't have happened remotely the same, and very few horror victims (if any) can say the same.

Review: Alice, Sweet Alice

Starring Linda Miller, Mildred Clinton, Paula Sheppard. Directed by Albert Sole.

8/10

Okay, so Alice, Sweet Alice has a kind of infamous history in the horror circuit. It started out as Communion, which it initially was screened as until the distributor dropped it and it was picked up by another and renamed. Then, it was re-cut and redistributed again, this time as Holy Terror. But Alice, Sweet Alice is the definitive title and version of this little known classic shocker. The film has garnered a bit of fame for its background, its subject matter, and for being Brooke Shields' first movie.

The film, shot in the summer of 1975 (long before the slasher genre took off with John Carpenter's masterpiece, Halloween), follows the sisters Alice and Karen (the young Brooke Shields). Karen is an angel in everyone's eyes, and can do no wrong, if only because her sister is vicious and vindictive. Alice teases her, abuses her communion veil and locks her in a building just to scare her.

On the day of her first communion, Karen is brutally murdered and all fingers are reasonably pointed to her sister, after Alice is found wearing Karen's veil to the alter. Everyone assumes the killer is Alice as the tension builds, and it keeps you guessing until the very end. The acting is impressive and the horror is well-paced. Originally, the film was reviled for being an apparent attack on the Catholic church, though director Albert Sole has said since that the church was merely the backdrop he wished to set his horror against. While it was initially met with mediocre praise, it has garnered more deserved respect in the decades since.

As many shocks as Psycho, as much religious commentary as The Exorcist, with as much atmosphere as The Haunting, there's no reason why this well-written, acted and directed genre masterpiece shouldn't be listed as a classic right beside all of the aforementioned.

Bear With Me Here: Best Dressed Horror Movie Monsters

Okay, now Captain Cadaver isn't to keen on the fashion scene, but why not give it a look now? If you think this list is spawned out of awkward boredom, you are quite right. In fact, best not to say too much about this before we get rolling.

10. Blade (Puppet Master)- yeah, Wesley Snipes has quite a get-up too... but this psychotic little bastard is the face of Full Moon pictures, and an iconic horror in his own right. All the puppets are memorable, but Blade with his death-like face, in his fedora and trench coat is both the most menacing and stylish of the bunch.

9. Asami (Audition)- This asian shocker from brilliant director Takashi Miike is brutal, one of the best horrors out there, and this little lady is a huge reason why. She's cute, and innocent, and so kind... you know, right up until the point where she isn't. When we realize what our little lady is really like... our jaw is on the floor until the end of the movie. The straight dark hair, white dress, with the black leather apron over it. A powerful, powerful (not to mention haunting) image.

8. Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)- I'm talking the original here, if it needed saying. Something is just so perfect about the getup he wears here. There's the mask made of human skin, first of all. Then, there's the tucked in shirt and nice dark trousers. And the leather butcher's apron. And to top it all off? What, you say, is the cherry on top of this very original horror getup. For Captain Cadaver, it is the tie. He may be a mentally challenged cannibalistic butcher, but there's something so classy and humble about a man in a tie that you just have to tip your hat to him.

7. Chucky (Child's Play)- Doesn't he look fun? rainbow colored shirt, pasty blue overalls and shoulder-length ginger hair and he's NOT supposed to be creepy until we find out he's alive. Yeah.... Don Mancini, you may have wanted to rethink that one. That little demon is not only the face of the killer toy genre, he is also the reason red-headed stepchildren are given a bad name.

6. Leprechaun- The stripy white and green socks, the dark green jacket, tophat, the black shoes with the little gold buckles and the vengeful, undying stereotype. This little Irish monster may have lost his scare factor after the original, but the look is iconic in its own right. Somehow film makers decided that this was an outfit that could fit in anywhere, so the Lep was taken to Vegas, the Hood, Los Angeles, and space.

5. The Monster (Frankenstein)- The slick black hair, the dark suit, the bolts on the neck, the ridicilous platform shoes... it all has nothing to do with Mary Shelley's novel. But, it is the image of Frankenstein's monster that has been embraced for over seventy years, kept intact through numerous films, so it's appeal cannot be argued with. Boris Karloff made the role his own in James Whale's classic Frankenstein and the phenomenal Bride of Frankenstein. He is a classic monster and every time one watches this performance, they are fully aware of witnessing a true classic.

4. Pinhead (Hellraiser)- His garb is saintly in a Hellish way, demonically ceremonial, and totally original. He is an image that could only have come from the mind of horror master Clive Barker. Pinhead has one of the darkest, most imposing presences out of any movie monster and so much of that is due to his frighteningly intruiging appearance. Everything about his scarred form (from the gridded pins to the hooks) screams order and precision. And this sense of order makes him one of the most authoritative monsters out there.

3. Count Dracula- while not entirely novel-accurate, this look of the Count in his dark suit, cape and widow's peak has become a cultural icon. It rivals Ronald MacDonald. The Count is elegant, but evil, and the combination is too intruiging to ever fade away. The outfit won't fit in everywhere, yet remains somehow timeless, so fitting for a character that is so immortal.

2. Carrie- How could anyone but our blood-stained beauty of a prom queen come in at number two? The image of her in formal wear, stained in blood, going mad in an instant... it's absolutely classic. This is one film that spends every scene building to it's ending. We've established Carrie as our tortured protagonist, but the girl can only take so much. Carrie snapping at her own prom, what was supposed to be a dream come true, turns into a horrific nightmare as she lays waste to her graduating class and gives us one of the best scenes in all of horror cinema.

1. Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)- Can you name one monster whose appearance is as classic as he is? eight movies and his image never changed. Every single bit of Freddy went to make up this character, one of the absolute most monstrous villains in film history. From the sarcastically evil personality, to the sweater, the hat, the stained jeans and work boots, and the glove to top it all off. Freddy is an intimidating, interesting, and eternally iconic image. He is one of the biggest archetypes in horror, and as such he will always remain.

Top 10 Horror Movies that Should Never Be Remade

First off, I'm by no means anti-remake. But I just think there's gotta be a place where we draw the line.

Note: This list should, in all seriousness, start with Psycho. But alas, I'm ten years too late on that one. So let's get rolling.

Double note: That also goes for The Haunting.

10. Killer Klowns from Outer Space- This '80's cult classic is the kind that comes about once in a generation. It's charm is, well, a little unexpected, and it's amazing this movie's been as successful as it's been, but it is a spectacle of film making. I'm pretty sure that on this one, lightning wouldn't strike twice. So leave it be, Hollywood, before the klowns are cast as Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell.

9. Return of the Living Dead- This movie WAS the 1980's. It ulilized everything the decade had to offer and rolled it into one movie. The clothes (the main cast of characters seem to be a gaggle of every kind of 80's kid, from punk to prep), the special effects (corn syrup and latex, the way God intended), even the charming campiness (okay, there are still plenty of campy movies today, but few are charming). This movie can't exist outside of it's decade, so unless it's a period piece, it would be a disaster to try.

8. Sleepaway Camp- Okay, this is dangerous territory, because this is probably going to happen at some point. But, well, it can't. See, this movie almost feels like it wasn't supposed to happen, it was yet another ripoff '80's slasher film, it shouldn't have had the impact it did. But there's a certain lure of this film series that's hard to explain. And if it's hard to explain, it's impossible to recapture. The gender-confused heroine was taboo in the early '80's, she was shocking, whereas today she'd just be one more little twist that doesn't make sense, or people would walk away thinking they ripped off the Crying Game. Not to mention the fact that we finally received a new sequel (Return to Sleepaway Camp) just this year, after the 20 years since Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland. If anything, let the series get back on it's feet, straight to video, but don't force a remake on us now.

7. The Lost Boys- Again, we just got a sequel, and if you've seen the sequel, you have realized that anything Lost Boys related should have stayed in the 80's where it belongs. This vampire cult-classic would be butchered if re-imagined now, especially since Corey Feldman would no doubt beg to be involved. Not only would it be impossible for a remake to recapture the charm and feel of the original, but the original would likely lose credibility as well. Kids would just laugh at the "stupid" outfits (okay, yeah, sometimes I laugh myself) or "cheesy" special effects (which were, by the way, absolutely badass for their day). So let the Lost Boys sleep... of course, having said that, I'll take this time to mention that Lost Boys 3 is in production. And yes, Corey Feldman will be returning.

6. Creepshow- So far, in my mind, George Romero remakes have been 2/3. Night of the Living Dead turned out okay. Tony Todd turned in a pretty decent performance and the make-up was astounding. Zack Snyder's 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead has numerous, well-deserved fans. But Day of the Dead was bad enough so that there should be a law saying no Romero property should ever be remade again. Not to mention that Creepshow was one of the best anthology horror movies ever. The whole thing was an homage to the E.C. horror comics of the 1950's, and who remembers those now? Is there anyone who would tell you Tales from the Crypt was a comic forty years before it was a TV show? The five stories here were dead-on perfect recapturings of the E.C. feel. It's probably the best thing that Stephen King ever wrote for screen. Each story takes one certain type of E.C. story and they work so well together. There's no doubt in mind that what a remake would offer would be 5 totally new stories without any of the original context, just another random anthology horror with nothing in common with the original, save for the title.

5. I Spit on Your Grave- I've already got a visual of what this film would be. It would look pretty much exactly like High Tension, and it would be 1/3 as good. I Spit on Your Grave is the epitome of gritty, '70's grindhouse horror revenge cinema. And, unfortunately, Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino have taught us first-hand that if there's one thing the general audience wants to see, grindhouse isn't it. But with Last House on the Left being remade, I so see this happening in the future, and that's not good. This film was shocking when first released, it was brutal and the height of exploitation cinema. That would be totally lost today, when we go to the movies, and see everything.

4. Poltergeist- Now, this entry is different, kids. Because this remake is currently in production, and it will happen. Soon. But there are still reasons why it shouldn't. According to your friend, Captain Cadaver, Poltergiest is the ultimate haunted house movie. It's one of those things that just happened to turn out perfect. Not to mention the fact that all revisitings to the source material have turned out lovely so far. Poltergeist II: The Other Side and Poltergeist III were kind of atrocious. The makers of the remake would see that the '82 classic was heavy on the special effects, so this aspect would be incorporated and overdone. Poltergeist was a haunted house movie, but it was also a statement on the American family. The kind of family that just doesn't really exist today. We wouldn't see the parents smoking dope after tucking their kids away, or explaining death to their five year old daughter in a touchingly realistic way, or see the father calming the son down during a thunder storm. A new director could bring interesting camera angles to a new feature, but I guarantee the substance would be lost.

3. Cannibal Holocaust- This is the most brutally violent and shocking horror movie ever made. Obviously, a remake would be made with one thing in mind: "We gotta overdo it." And in basing the film on that view, it would be made ignoring all of the intelligence, emotion, and therefore all of the horror that made the original the classic it is today. The scenes of violence in this film stick with you for days, it is crafted to be an unforgettable movie. All of that would be lost in a remake that would do nothing but make you want to throw up. Okay, the original did this too, but it was scary and disturbing as hell, it wasn't about the gag-scares that would be the basis of a potential remake.

2. Rosemary's Baby- Well, this remake was in production for a good long while. But as of yesterday, Rosemary's Baby is officially NOT being remade and maybe Hollywood has finally realized when to say when. See, Rosemary's Baby is just too involved of a story, there's just too much at work in this movie to let anything be lost in a remake. It's probably the only case in history where the book and movie are just as good. The film is great, powerful, the story is scary and the acting is prime (sorry folks, but there's only one Mia Farrow), not to mention some of the best directing Roman Polanski ever did during his impressive career.

1. The Exorcist- As if it needed saying. This is arguably the greatest horror movie ever made, it's still talked about endlessly to this day, and that's not something that's gonna happen twice. And that's before we even consider the sequels we've been subjected to over the years, with the exception of Exorcist III (which is actually very, very good). Linda Blair gives one of the best performances ever (yes, ever) in her transition from innocent Regan to possessed, pea-soup vomiting, crucifix-masturbating Regan. Ellen Burstyn, as well as pretty much the whole damn cast, actually, is phenomenal too. As far as horror goes, this is pretty much close to perfection, and that's just not gonna happen again. So, let this one go, leave this classic to be a classic. There are plenty of other demonic possession films out there, and a good many of them could use remakes anyway.

Except for the Sexxxorcist, which should stay dead and buried.