Wednesday, March 25, 2009

"I'm not an asshole, I'm an actor": Best Horror Movie Victims

10. Stooge (Night of the Demons)- So annoying, so obnoxious, so "oh, god when will he just die" that you just had to admire the pig-nosed bastard. He's so annoying that it's somewhere past annoying, in his own little world of douchebaggery. With such lines as "eat a bowl of fuck, I am here to party!" Stooge has found a special place (1988) in our hearts.

9. Jimbo and Ted (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter)- An 80's comedy duo second only to Bill and Ted. They were like characters stripped from the best of teen comedies and dropped into a Friday the 13th. They gave the film a charm it needed, as well as a heart, even if all they ever really did was bitch about how they never got laid, or if Ted's best advice to Jimbo (played by Crispin Glover, for the record) was telling him that his failed relationships were probably due to impotence. But it's not his fault. The computer don't lie.

8. Trash (Return of the Living Dead)- The beautiful Linnea Quigley in one of her most famous roles. An eerie goth obsessed with death, she dreams of being eaten alive and gets her ultimate wish not too long after we get ours.

7. Tina (Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers)- Is this a noteworthy film? Not exactly. But there has never been a character that screamed "kill me" more than this little wench. She is perhaps THE most annoying victim out of any horror film. Ever. and a result, one of the most worthy and relieving deaths ever.

6. Casey Becker (Scream)- Drew Barrymore appears in the opening scene of your movie, you expect her to be there for awhile. Well, that becomes a little less likely with each ring of the phone, but throughout the whole powerful opening scene she puts up one hell of a fight, and we almost think maybe she's made it. But instead, her parents find her body hanging from a tree, and the screaming begins.

5. Shelley (Friday the 13th Part 3)- One of the most relatable horror film characters for any horror fan. He can't get the girls, he doesn't have too many friends, his love of horror isn't shared by anyone close to him, he can't really stand up for himself, so he hides behind props, gags and make-up effects. He's the ultimate stereotypical fanboy, at least circa 1983, so it's only fitting that he is the one character to put the final puzzle piece together for one of cinema's most iconic monsters, as he is the one to give Jason Voorhees his iconic hockey mask.

4. Evil Ed (Fright Night)- See the "best screen vampires" list for the full description on this fan turned fang.

3. Meg Loughlin (The Girl Next Door)- Jaw-dropping, brutal, shocking, and more-or-less true. This is real American horror. Meg is one of our main protagonists, but she is tortured throughout the film by her own dispicable aunt, who later lets the neighborhood boys join in on the torment (including rape) that eventually leads to this twelve year old girl's death. A scene with a blowtorch is most disturbing.

2. Marion Crane (Psycho)- A beautiful, compelling protagonist, Marion has our undivided attention right down to the moment she is sliced to ribbons in the shower of room number 1 at the Bates Motel. The movie is classic, the scene is an eternal icon.

1. Lucy Westenra (Dracula)- No matter which adaption, even in the most loosely based, Lucy is the ultimate horror victim. She is a free-spirited, compelling character, and the "illness" that leads to her death sets up about half of the plot. She is the catalyst to bring in Dr. Abraham Van Helsing, Dracula's now-classic nemesis. She is a symbol of innocence, as all true victims are, and this makes her later transformation so much more terrifying. The story would not exist without her, or wouldn't have happened remotely the same, and very few horror victims (if any) can say the same.


  1. you should of had doctor from Friday The 13th part 7. that stupid turd deserved to die

  2. Ohhhh... Lest we forget the morgue doctor Axel in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. Stunning final sights. What the hell was he watching, anyways?