Sunday, March 22, 2009

Splatter Chatter

Okay, folks. Let's count down the best kill scenes in horror history.



10. Puppet Master (Dana Hadley)- I don't really know what it is about this scene, or these movies, but I love it. Here we have the amazingly long, drawn out death of a bitchy middle aged alcoholic woman. First, the burly puppet Pinhead breaks her ankle, forcing her to crawl away. She puts up a hell of a fight when Blade (skull-faced, fedora, trench coat, knife for one hand, hook for the other) jumps in on the action. Dana thinks she's escaped via elevator, only to see Blade leap down from above and slit her throat. For a film so bloodless and quirky, the scene is surprisingly brutal, especially when Blade stares fascinated at his knife after the kill.

9. Zombie (the eye kill)- It's a classic. People who don't even know this movie know this kill. So, generally zombies are after our brains. Well, this guy was apparently pissed about something, and decided to take it out on this poor woman's eye. The scene is painfully slow. The zombie breaks through the door, splintering it, leaving one long protruding piece. He reaches in, grabs her by the head, and slowly brings her eye in toward the piece of wood. Like most horror movies, we expect the camera to turn away. This time, it doesn't.

8. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (those two douchebag guys)- So, the movie starts by planting us firmly in the 1980's. We got two of the most obnoxious characters ever to grace horror films (what in the HELL kind of glasses is that guy wearing??). Anyway, from the first time we see them, we're begging for these guys to die. And boy, do they. They die over the radio, too, for the world to hear, and it's just an added bonus that their deaths set up the plot of the film. They see a truck, and it's a Leatherface truck. Leatherface has apparently gotten into puppetry since the original, as he starts off by giving them a puppet show with a rotting corpse on the back of the truck (you know, that old routine...). Then, whereas we never saw any blood in the original, the driver here takes a chainsaw through the head, and we can't feel an ounce of sorry.

7. The Toxic Avenger (that poor, poor kid)- So this scene is kind of infamous. It's brutal in that it shows a group of teens who can't just prove their dicks by being bullies, they also have to run down old ladies and little kids in their sports car. Here, they play a game where they rack up points for the people they hit, and apparently a kid on a bike is worth a lot (Oh, and in case I actually need to say it, DON'T try this at home). But, here's the catch. Even if you hit 'em, you don't get the points if they live. So they back up and run over the kid AGAIN. We see quite a close up of the kid's head getting crushed, and it looks suspiciously like a melon with a wig on it.

6. Critters 2: The Main Course (The Easter Bunny)- Yes, I said Critters 2. And yes, I said the Easter Bunny. So, at some point in time, the God of movies (Mick Garris, apparently) decided that if there was one movie that needed a sequel, it was Critters. Also, there weren't enough horror movies set on Easter. So here, the Easter Bunny is getting ready to surprise a bunch of kids at the church, but after taking a piss, his zipper won't zip. The crafty Critters see this as an opportunity, so they leap in his big fluffy trousers and gobble his junk. Our Bunny pal is eaten alive inside his costume, then tossed through the window of the church during service. An inconveniance for the people, a childhood trauma for the kids, or a wet dream for Elmer Fudd? You decide.

5. Friday the 13th Part 2 (double impalement)- It took me awhile just to get over the fact that Jason kills a helpless wheelchair-bound kid in this movie, but this scene is actually worse. Also, if there's one scene that could sum up the Friday series, this would be it. So, the couple have just had sex. And they're enjoying each other, looking totally comfortable in each others' embrace. Then poor Sandra looks up and sees Jason, and doesn't have time to scream or scramble before he swing his spear down through the bed, impaling them both.

4. American Psycho (Paul Allen)- Words cannot sum up the amazingness of this movie. And it's not like Jared Leto doesn't deserve it. So, Patrick Bateman, our humble narrator, invites Paul back to his home, discusses the glory of '80's music, slips on a clear rain coat, grabs a VERY shiny ax, and hacks Paul Allen to pieces. Now who's got the better looking business card, bitch? Yeah, this scene is both traumatizing and hilarious, and the joy of having both at once is something so few horror films carry.

3. The Shining (Dick Halloran)- So, we built up his character in the beginning. He's got a bond with young Danny, our true protagonist of the film. He says for the little Doc to call him (in a psychic way) if he ever needs anything. When Jack Torrance goes a little mental at the end and decides it's about time to cut his wife and child to ribbons, we know only Dick Halloran can save us. Already, we've been subjected to one of the most frightening ghost stories ever filmed, it's a sigh of relief to have hope. So Halloran arrives at the hotel, ready to help in any way he can, he walks through the door... and takes an ax to the gut. Jack's just going crazier, poor Wendy and Danny are stuck in here with him, and the terror just mounts and mounts.

2. Halloween (Bob)- Halloween itself is a masterpiece of a movie, but it's not about the kills and doesn't pretend to be. There's not a lot of blood, but it lays the ground for all slasher films to come after it. Here we have a classic, oft copied scene where the boyfriend has just finished his sex (which, btw, he kinda sucked at) and goes to get a beer for the lady. He hears something in the pantry downstairs, and thinking by some miracle of physics that it's his girlfriend, asks them politely to come out of there. Michael Myers emerges, a spectre in the shadows, and pins him to the wall with his butcher knife. The scariest part is the way Michael just looks at the body, almost curiously, as it hangs there limp after death.

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street (Tina Gray)- Nightmare was made at the height of the slasher film craze, and most people went in expecting the same old things (because let's face it, most slasher movies were the same old thing) that they were becoming so used to seeing. Slash after slash, audiences were getting used to the shocks. Well, with this Wes Craven classic, they knew things were going to be VERY different from the first death in the film. Tina is safe in bed with her boyfriend when she hears a noise outside, except she's dreaming. Rod wakes up as she screams his name, struggling against some invisible force. He tries to help, but he can't wake her up. We're then subjected to a jaw-dropping, horrific scene. We see four slashes appear on her chest, Tina is dragged up the wall, onto the ceiling, then dropped back down to the bed, into a pool of her own blood. It established one of the biggest maniacs in horror history, and it's a scare that remains absolutely timeless.


  1. So, I accidentally scrolled too far down, and the number one death was in my line of vision. It took all my effort to keep from reading the title of number one before I finished reading the description of number two.

    BTW, please don't ever talk about Elmer Fudd's wet dreams again... =P